sweet sweet life

happy

2012-01-13T16:41:00.004-05:00

Hello, all!

I feel just like her.

She's a gift from my dear friend Catherine, a.k.a. Junker Jane, and she's made my whole week. A scary ol' used up circus clown--brilliant for my life, and many others, these days.

Because, listen: being a preschool teacher is no picnic. In the past month, past month, I tell you, I've had bronchitis, pink-eye in both eyes (flippin' twice) and now, a stomach flu that would be enough to dampen the spirits of Mother Teresa. And this was all with two weeks off for Christmas! It ain't for the faint-of-heart, by any means.

However. I am not down-hearted. In large part due to this awesome print from Mary Kate McDevitt, the quote of which I try to keep in mind at all times (without being annoying, of course):

I'm sure you've seen it before, in fact it's even been on my teeny weeny little blog before, but not in my own house. I just finally purchased it after admiring it for a long time. (I called it a birthday gift to myself. How many times can one get away with that, I wonder?) I love Mary Kate's work, and the general positive vibe it has, but in addition to that, I love this quote, and it's stuck with me ever since I first read it a few years ago.

Because it's TRUE.

I know, go figure?! We are as happy as we make up our minds to be. Kinda blew my mind. The first time I read that, I would totally have discounted it all together as 1990s new age balony if it hadn't been a quote from the incredibly smart, and very down-to-earth, Abraham Lincoln. Just thrown it right out the window. But he's got chops, Mr. Lincoln does: faced his demons, dealt with some pretty tough stuff, stayed the course. I had to rethink.

If we are as happy as we make up our minds to be, that means something very scary to most of us: we can't blame anyone else, or anything else, for who we are or how we treat each other. It's on you. No running, no pointing fingers, no citing statistics or economic disasters. No anger at the person who "betrayed" you or made a mistake the results of which you live with every day. No anger at your mom or dad, or even your younger self. No anger. No blaming. No living in the past.

Hmmm, is that the key? Living in the past? It will kill every meager spark of joy you are offered by this world, if you let it. I'm reading a book which has opened my eyes to just this: how much time do we spend every day thinking about the past, re-crucifying our friends and loved ones over and over for past deeds, putting ourselves and them right back in that same place of hurt and anger over and over again? If you really think about it, I am convinced it is almost 100% of the time. After all, that is what we bring to the table, metaphorically speaking, when we see someone we know, isn't it? What they said to us last time we saw them, what we think they did to hurt us. We carry it along, and turn those memories into who we think they are. But it's not them. They are there in front of you, just as ready as we are to try again, to start anew, if we let them. It's a hard lesson. But I believe it's a pretty vital part of living a happy life. And I'm working on it, every day.

The hardest ones to do this with, of course, are those we know best. Family. Oh, how much garbage we drag around when dealing with family. But if you realize that they didn't really hurt you, they can never really hurt you, you can let it go, and move on. Release it all, and let love fill the space the hurt left behind. So hard. I'm not there, but I can at least see that it's possible, like a landscape emerging from a fog. It's a long way off, but I'm sailing in the right direction, and that ain't nothing.

Probably not what Abe was talking about, all this. But what he was saying applies: it's up to you, and me, to be happy. Or "Be the change you wish to see in the world," which although now rather cliche, I wear on a ring on my right hand, every day. (Other quotes that I love along these lines by Mahatma Gandhi are here. I need to read lots more about him, I think.)

Anyway, I'm a happy gal. I really am. Hope you are, too.

Cheers!

xoxox.

pilgrimage

2012-01-08T14:26:00.000-05:00

In a departure from years past, this year, I actually used a gift card that I received as a Christmas gift for myself, and not my kids. I'm no martyr or anything, but the last few years were somewhat, shall we say, lean, and I used any giftcards I received for them and not myself, and was glad to do it. But this year, it was all about me, baby. And this book is what I purchased:

It's a collection of touchingly intimate photos (of course) that Annie Leibovitz took at various homes of famous dead people around the world, including some of their personal affects. There's an essay, too, about Ms. Leibovitz' personal reasons for making such a journey, but the photographs speak for themselves--really amazing shots that make me want to just quietly drink them in:

There's Georgia O'Keeffe's collection of handmade pastels...

...and the gloves Abraham Lincoln had in his pocket the night he was shot...

...and Elvis Presley's mother's room in his Mississippi birthplace...

...and Virginia Woolf's bedroom at Monk's House...

...and Eleanor Roosevelt's sleeping porch at Val-Kill...

...and Emily Dickinson's intricately detailed dress, worn in her final days when she saw nobody but her own sister...

...and Annie Oakley's shooting target from one of her shows (this heart is in reality only 1" by 1.5"--she was a pretty good shot)...

...and Bronson Alcott's journal on which he traced his daughter Louisa's little hand.

And there's much, much more. What is so fascinating to me is that I, like a lot of folks, I think, often assume that people who have done amazing things in this world must have come from amazing places. They must have had some kind of extra magic to their lives which allowed them to do amazing things--fight for human rights, make great art, become a ground-breaking entertainer against all odds--but, no. They came from places just like us, and had humble possessions just like us. Shocking, really.

No magic. Just the human heart, which is, after all, more powerful than any other force in the world.

Have a wonderful week, all. Cheers!

xoxox.

mister finch

2012-01-07T16:48:00.001-05:00

How lovely to find a man that sews, and such beauty!

His profile reads:

"I'm 36 and live in Leeds in Yorkshire, not too far from the beautiful Yorkshire Dales, with 3 crazy cats. I actually have no formal training in anything I make, and apart from a short art course I did many years ago Ive learnt all I know myself. Ive tried many areas creatively over the years and now I find myself sewing, which I adore. When I'm not making things (which isn't that often) I love to read and watch old movies. I collect miniature metal chairs and love to hoard things in glass jars. I"ve called my business Mister Finch so its clear from the start that I'm a man and one that sews. We are a bit thin on the ground but we are out there!"

I like him a lot.

xoxox.

bellissima!

2012-01-07T14:31:00.000-05:00

Was just reading a new-to-me blog, Bellissima Kids (I don't get "out" much), and found some fantastic stuff. As my blog-reading time is extremely limited these days, it's good to have some go-to blogs that will fill you in with great stuff, minus fluff...Bellissima Kids is like that for me. Anyway, you probably already know about these finds, but just in case you do not (and to show you how cool BK is), here:

These amazingly whimsical images from Lieschen Muller are so fantastic! I wish these cats were available as prints, I would love to put them in Sofie's room. See lots more here at Lieschen's blog and shop.

This wallpaper from mini moderns, awesomely named "Pet Sounds" (go Beach Boys!) which as Jeanne says has a certain folky-Russian quality (sign me up!) is super. I can't afford the wallpaper, but mini moderns has the same pattern in a mug, which I can afford. Yay!

This photo, which Jeanne took herself, is of the John Derian store in the East Village of NYC, where she lives. Now, how else would I get to see that? So cool. If I ever get to New York, and I suppose it's in the realm of possibility now that we're on the East Coast, I will go to this store. And I'll do all the touristy stuff and cultural stuff, too, but I will also get to this store.

Is that enough to get you to click on over to Bellissima Kids? I hope so. There's lots more to see.

Cheers! (And sorry about all the parentheses in this post. I'm too exhausted to try to write it in such a way as to eliminate them. Just. Too. Tired...But you know I love you.)

xoxox.

thanks-giving

2012-01-02T17:06:00.008-05:00

Hi there, sweet friends...

Just want to take this opportunity to thank you sincerely for all your comments and encouragement and emotional support over the past couple of years. I know this isn't the fanciest or the coolest or the most-often-updated blog, or even very current, if it comes to that. Now that I'm a mom working both outside and inside the home, it's not as easy to blog as it once was. But I hang in there, because I like writing to you.

I told a dear friend of mine a while back that I have tried journalling recently (and many times in the past)-- just to get my thoughts out--but frankly, I get very weary of the sound of my own voice. Somehow with a blog, it works better for me, because I feel as though I'm talking to you, and that makes a difference, somehow. My sweet aunt that lives in another state wrote and told me that she had checked my blog from time to time, but that she felt a bit "voyeuristic" in doing so...Yikes! That threw me a bit. I'm not trying to be an exhibitionist at all, and I hope it doesn't seem that way to you. And I know that I've shared a bunch of stuff that other people wouldn't have shared. But I think if we were all more honest with each other about our struggles, the world would be a much gentler place. Also, I just like to throw stuff out there and see what makes sense to any of you. I hope that's okay. I'm pretty sure it is. Two consenting adults, and all.

Anyway, I am terrible about replying to comments (what a shocker), but I read each and every one with a full heart and a huge smile on my face, so thank you, if you have ever taken the time to leave a comment here. It's not gone unappreciated, by any means.

Hey, look! It's a new year! The last one was pretty good to me and mine, and I hope to yours, too. May 2012 bless you all!

xoxox.

good morning!

2011-12-29T06:00:00.001-05:00

Golly, where have I been? I just found the work of Kelsey Garrity-Riley (via where the lovely things are), and I've fallen hard. Not only does she illustrate in a manner that makes me swoon, but look at the dolls!

I think I might just die. That face, those little legs! Head on over to her blog and etsy shop for lots more loveliness. I mean, really.

Later, 'gators.

xoxox.

love it, every bit

2011-12-28T19:17:00.002-05:00

Oh, what fun! Sweet, sweet Deb of Kickcan & Conkers, one of the best blogs around for all manner of wonderful, stylish and relevant things for kids (and me) has opened her shop! Just a few of the wonderful finds over there at the moment:

Love it, every bit! I've gravitated to the red and black, of course (with a kitty thrown in for good measure), but there's lots to see, and Deb keeps it updated daily. Wonderful finds from all over Europe and beyond--quite a treat, if you ask me!

Happy window shopping, sweet friends.

xoxox.

stay

2011-12-26T19:45:00.001-05:00

(so beautiful. via.)

Hello, all!

I hope, truly, that your holidays are being lovely. I've been able to enjoy some time off (the benefit of being a teacher!) and in doing so, find I'm feeling a bit more like my old self again.

That can only mean one thing: I've been thinking.

I finished this amazing book, and this amazing book (again), and then this amazing book. And I'm realizing how very, very important it is...to stay. To stay with our loved ones, to stay in the scary or painful moment, to stay in the tired and boring and dirty bits of life. To not run, in one way or another, to a place where we can attempt to feel nothing. For one thing, obviously, these types of moments far outnumber the prototypically joyful, beautiful, neat moments by far. So if we were to run from them, we'd be running an awful lot of our lives. More importantly, I realized from all my reading that these are the moments when love and growth and real healing happen. If we're honest with ourselves when we're struggling, we can grow emotionally and spiritually as human beings, here to help one another.

Most of my problems in the past came from not wanting to stay. And I say this as a very unadventurous person: I almost never travel, have never left the states, have been married for 20 years with no plans to leave ever, I am and always have been a really good and present mom, I don't really enjoy new things and I will fight change with every bit of my being. But not staying doesn't have to be physical--it can be emotional, too. I can not stay by going shopping on the computer. I can not stay by pouring a glass of wine. I can not stay by holing myself up in my room with a really good book when my children or husband want to spend time with me. I can not stay by eating another brownie, or two or three. And I can not stay by going to bed at 8:00 in the evening and sleeping for 12 hours. (I'm not saying that any or all of these things are not fine now and again, but you know and I know when we're running away. We just do.)

Boredom, fear, pain, fatigue, anger and annoyance. All things we feel when we are with other people, a great deal of the time. Not just our families, but everyone, everywhere, all the time. At the post office, at the stoplight, at work and at home. So if this is the way it is, what can that tell us? Is life supposed to be annoying 95% of the time? Really? Is this it?

I don't think so. I think that these moments are teachers, and that we had better take good notes and learn the lesson. It's about us, not them, and staying present with these moments in a non-judgmental way is the only path out. When we are annoyed, we are upset because we aren't coming first for some reason. But who ever said we would, or even should? I don't remember getting that memo: "Dear Amy, you are the most important person in the world. You should be at the head of every line, have the least amount of trouble and pain, and never, ever have to suffer anyone you deem to be less savvy than you. Amen." Nope. I believe the wording was actually something along the lines of "Love one another and don't be mean and selfish." Or something.

But let's be honest: why else are we here? What else would be our purpose in life, really? We are placed, somehow, on this earth together. And it is only together that we will find a way out of the scary bits. We are meant to be here for each other, through words and actions. Not to run, but to be there, in the boring, messy moments. And to work through them, to help each other, and that helps us.

So that's my resolution for 2012. To stay. And love. And maybe even help to heal a tiny bit of the world by doing that. I can hope.

Blessings to you!

xoxox.

wish-list

2011-12-18T08:43:00.005-05:00

Morning, sweets!

These little dolls from the fabulously talented Lisa Aaron of lou lou & oscar have me all a-smile...you, too?

If she ever puts one in her shop, I'm going to be the first one in line to adopt...Some things are just like that, you know?--no questions asked! Lisa's work has been a favorite of mine for years and never fails to delight. Her work is always, always original and fresh and lovely. Go see!

May your Sunday be filled with smells of baking and good books and laughter. (Only if you like that sort of thing, of course...;o)

xoxox.

little house revisited

2011-12-15T20:22:00.000-05:00

Hi, all!

Ma and Pa Ingalls by Uneek Doll Designs

One of my favorite parts of our day, when time permits, is when Sofie and I read out loud from the Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder. Usually I read to her, but sometimes she takes the reins, and it's always wonderful.

Little House on the Prairie Literary Soap Club Gift Set by haldecraft

I read these books as a child, of course, and loved them to bits. But experiencing them as an adult is 100 times better. They are amazingly well-written, funny and wise. And Laura: she's a little spitfire, real and vibrant and so, so relatable for my Sofie. While her sister Mary is always good, Laura struggles to do the right thing, and is always right in the middle of the action. I missed so much as a child, but reading it again with my daughter has been a delight, and we've created a shared language based on lines from the book that we laugh about at least once a day.

Totally AWESOME "What Would Charles Ingalls Do?" mug from kngo

Laura Ingalls Wilder locket necklace from Jtaime Boutique

sweetest girl's pioneer dress from taylors scarlet thread

Tonight, Sofie allowed me to tape her reading one of her favorite sections from the first book, Little House in the Big Woods. (Laura and her family have travelled to Grandpa's house deep in the Big Woods for a dance. All the families for miles around come to be together on a cold winter's night.)

Here she is, with substantial help from our silly, silly cat, reading her favorite bit:

Hope you enjoy! Cheers...

xoxox.

tea = hope

2011-12-12T18:34:00.001-05:00

I've been a lifelong coffee lover (well, almost), but lately I'm coming around to this point of view. There's something so much gentler about tea, no?

Available from lovely sweet william, along with lots of other beautiful items. You know me and hope, we've a on-again, off-again relationship. Ask me tomorrow, perhaps?

Hope you're well.

xoxox.

remember the cardinal

2011-12-11T15:10:00.001-05:00

My, oh my. Time does fly, especially this time of year. I wonder why I keep adding moving to everything else that happens during the holidays? Next year, I'm gonna cut that out.

But things around here are coming together, very slowly. Still quite humble, decor-wise, but we do love it. (Humble is the new chic, I keep telling myself.)

So I saw this kind of framed-number thing in a magazine (which I tried to save in order to show you the inspiration, but it's gone forever). It was like this, but fewer numbers because they were bigger. And I just really loved it. Then I saw these red plastic numbers for sale on etsy, and I snapped 'em up, knowing just what I wanted to do. Backed with linen burlap and framed in a $14 frame, I'm pretty happy with it. The numbers are arranged to represent the girls' birthdays and our anniversary. Plus a six, which is how many we are in the house now that we have a cat. Ha!

(I stuck the numbers on to the fabric with some really sticky tape I found at the craft store. It's behind the red parts, so you can't see it.)

This is our couch, which is so very ugly that I kind of love it. We will get it covered when finances allow, but for now, it's good because if someone gets a stain on the gold velvet, who the dickens cares?

Olivia (my 13-year-old) made this canvas for us. It's part of an ee cummings poem and she did it with big sharpie permanent markers. She's so awesome.

An improvised side-table, next to a chair from Goodwill that is so ugly that it's just ugly, so I'm not going to share it. :o)

This (above) is what happens when you hang something by yourself at 10:00 at night. (Under the tape is a nail, because it kept falling down.) I don't want to move it, so I'm going to move the bed sometime. This makes sense to me.

The girls' rooms are very much still under construction, but this canvas is going to be where they can see it every day.

Yoshi continues to find ways to make herself right at home.

That's about it for now, in terms of stuff to show you...I have some time off over the holidays and I hope to finish moving-in then. Some more stuff on the walls would be good, although I'll try not to get too carried away, as I am wont to do.

***

Yesterday while my mom and I and the girls were looking out the window at a very bleak landscape filled with bare branches and lots of brown and grey, a male cardinal landed in the closest tree. And then another, and another! No fewer than eight of them in all, bright red spots of happiness right there in front of us. We were entranced, this being only our second winter on the east coast. They stayed and fed for almost twenty minutes, six males and two females, we think. It was such a gift.

Of course, I looked up the symbolism of cardinals right after that (because that's just the kind of thing I love to think about) and I found this: "The cardinal reminds us that passion, warmth and vibrancy are available to us, even under the cloak of winter's grey clouds." Isn't that wonderful? It's so perfectly put, I think. In fact, the other day as I was driving to work and listening to some of my favorite songs, I thought that's what music and literature and nature do for us: they somehow go below the surface of our everyday lives in order to reveal what is beneath. And what is beneath--love, seeking, helping, saving, lifting, praying, crying and laughing--that is what is REAL. Without my books and music and nature (and my loved ones) it would be so very easy to forget this, to forget that under that grey cloak of winter, "passion, warmth and vibrancy" are there, waiting to be discovered.

Our everyday world can be grey indeed. We must remember that we are all hurting, seeking and deserving of love, and especailly that love and hope are there waiting for us all the time--we must go deeper and deeper, each of us and every single day, to find what really, truly matters.

Remember the cardinal, won't you?

Blessings, all.

xoxox.

i still haven't found what i'm looking for

2011-12-01T19:43:00.001-05:00

Ahhh. So much goodness, so much has been learned. But I'm not done yet--not by the longest shot.

(via)

I heard this song tonight (below); it seemed uncannily perfect for me, in my place, at this time. Watch the video here. (Although, yes, the young U2 is admittedly a bit cheesy, they can still rock my world.)

***

I have climbed the highest mountain

I have run through the fields

Only to be with you

I have run, I have crawled

I have scaled these city walls

These city walls

Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips

Felt the healing in her fingertips

It burned like fire

This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels

I have held the hand of a devil

It was warm in the night

I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the kingdom come

Then all the colours will bleed into one

Bleed into one

Well, yes, I'm still running

You broke the bonds and you

Loosed the chains

Carried the cross

Of my shame

All my shame

You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

***

Nope. Never done.

xoxox.

arrival

2011-11-25T17:46:00.000-05:00

Hi, guys!

We're here. It's awesome and wonderful, and we really, really love it. Loads of potential, feels like home.

As you can see, everything is still stacked on the floor, but our very favorite items are ready and waiting to find their new spots...

For now, game nights ensue and thanks are truly given. Internet was just hooked-up today, and I've lots to talk about...After I catch my breath. Catch up with you soon!

xoxox.

for you

2011-11-13T14:51:00.005-05:00

Hello, friends!

Such a lovely print-to-be (above) from erin's window (and I'll be finding a place in our new home for it), and an equally lovely poem as well (below), sent to me by my bestie down in Oz. ~~Not sure of the author, but please do let me know if you recognize it!~~ It's by Mary Oliver--thank you, Hillary!

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice-

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

“Mend my life!”

each voice cried.

But you didn’t stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do–

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Awesome, no? I love it, love it, love it.

***

Moving house is the worst and I don't like anything about it. But soon it will be over, and I will be so glad that I may do something kind of crazy. Meanwhile, I do so hope that your weekend is peaceful and calm, at least!

xoxox.

what falls away

2011-11-11T20:05:00.003-05:00

Hello, friends! It's been busy here, moving and all. I've been doing lots of thinking (as always) and I've come to the conclusion that what falls away is both what we so desperately don't want to let go of--and yet, what we so very much need to.

(via)

Clear as mud, right? Well, let me say this: the trials and struggles and difficulties of the past few years (which very much continue to this day) have made me the happiest that I have ever been. I am more myself, and more authentically engaged, than ever before, and I came to this kicking and screaming.

With every trial we have faced (unemployment, mental illness, physical illness, displacement, foreclosure, near-poverty, what-have-you) has come an answered prayer, a blessing. And with each step, we are closer to who we should be, and should have been, all along. Although, that assumes that we knew better back in the day, and I truly believe that we didn't. We do now, though, and that makes a hell of a lot of difference.

And so: what falls away? My own self-consciousness, isolation, fear, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, desperation, and a pervading sense of inadequacy that simply won't subside...Well, I'm more than happy to see it all go. And with the lessons comes a new strength that will never leave me: the knowledge that I am cared for and good enough and really kind of amazing in my own right.

Priceless.

This I can leave behind with my daughters: a sense that they, themselves, are enough, and that they matter profoundly in some small, yet absolutely infinite, way.

Blessed days, indeed.

***

Moving house this weekend! More to come; please stay tuned, if you care to.

xoxox.

clever

2011-10-31T18:13:00.000-04:00

Hello, sweets!

I just found these new chalk-by-number prints in one of my favorite shops: shop dirtsa. Aren't they awesome?

My favorite is the tree, although I love them all. I wonder what I could do with some chalkboard fabric, two dowels and a white paint pen? Nothing this cute, that's for sure.

Because Sofie is going trick-or-treating as a witch-vampiress and we are all talking like we have fangs hanging out of our mouths, I'll just say this: veddy, veddy clever.

Safe haunting, all!

xoxox.

details

2011-10-29T11:41:00.007-04:00

Hi, there.

(this is NOT my rug)

A few months ago I took it into my head that I wanted to make crocheted rugs from recycled materials, because I keep seeing such beautiful ones around the weborhood and I am covetous (yes, I am). I thought it would be as easy as ripping up some old sheets and crocheting them together. It wasn't. And because I am me, and my brain is weird, I wanted to have a perfect rug on my very first try. And since I didn't, I quit.

I think I'll try again.

But anyway, check these out!:

These (above) are all from the shop of Emily Kircher, who is actually an artist, so it's not surprising mine didn't turn out like hers. They are all stunning, you really should take a look.

And (below) these are what really got me going: the flickr set of hollybairy entitled "Rag Rugs I Have Made" (subheading: "I made my first rag rug in November 2010 and haven't stopped since"! She makes it sound so stinkin' easy.)

(Do take a look at her flickr. It's like a kaleidoscope of colors over there, man.)

Anyway, if you know of some good instructions, I'd be grateful to take a look at them. All the ones I've found are so vague that I got a bit confused. When it comes to crafting, I need details, people. Cold hard facts: Do you cut the fabric, or rip it? How wide are your strips of fabric? How many times do you increase so that your rug doesn't get all wiggly? What size hook? How do you hide the knots? Tell me, please! I can't fudge when it comes to cooking or fabric stuff.

It's really cold here. Good crocheting weather. I'm just sayin'.

xoxox.

sentimental idiot

2011-10-26T20:22:00.000-04:00

I love the work found in the store You Sentimental Idiot. First and foremost, the name of the shop is amazing. And secondly, the shop owner uses old journal or diary pages as a basis for her art. Brilliant.

My favorites, of course, are the ones that focus on home and family:

"With All Her Children"

"Fixed Stars"

"Started Pleats"

"Mended Socks"

***

So after my latest breakdown, I had to do lots of thinking. My first thought, after trying to make everyone around me happy was, "Why doesn't anyone try to make me happy???" I stayed with this one for a while. I really felt, deep down, that the people in my life needed to be doing more to make me happy.

Then I realized, of course, my folly. How extremely ridiculous! It is no more anyone else's job to make me happy than it is for me to make them happy! I must allow the people in my life (and by saying this, I mean: my family--my children, my husband, my mother) to be responsible for their own happiness. The burden of trying to insure their happiness, in addition to my very extensive day-to-day responsibilities, was truly overwhelming. Add to that the realization that I couldn't make everyone happy through sheer force of will, and you get the aforementioned sobbing. ( I could wish that it hadn't come outside the privacy of my own home, but, hey, none of us get to choose our moments. This I have certainly learned.)

Anyway, how to apply this to day-to-day life? I'm not sure yet. Still attempting to solve the problems at hand, and that may take a while, but I do feel I've been shown an important lesson, one that was long overdue. However, it is important to say here that nobody has asked me to solve their problems for them, not in so many words. But if someone offers to fix everything for you, most people will let them. And I think that's the case here: nobody can blame my children or husband or mother for allowing me to take on their burdens. The real fault lies with me, for trying in the first place. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn as an adult is that the only person I can change is myself: it is absolutely futile to try and change another. The only way to lasting peace is through my own self-knowledge and through the releasing of control to a higher power. And I am responsible for my own happiness, just as they are, and that includes setting boundaries and guarding my own energy.

Lots to learn.

Hope you are well, sweet friends.

xoxox.

farm

2011-10-24T18:26:00.001-04:00

At my work, we took the children to a fabulous pumpkin patch/farm for the day. It was really wonderful. The children were happy, the sun was shining, and the mice were in the corn. (It is a farm!)

Other than that, though, I had a really rough day. I came hard up against the conclusion that I simply can't make everyone in my life happy. F*** it. And the almost unbearable frustration of that realization brought me to tears--as in sobbing, nose-dripping, kind of tears. At work. Which only made me cry harder, because I was furious at myself for showing such weakness.

Just when you think you've made "progress," you realize how very far you have to go.

Anyway, no solutions have occurred to me in the hour and a half since my oh-so-public epiphany (is it still an epiphany if it's not so good?). But they will. Because life just rolls on, and things fall into place. Still, though, I have to deal with me, and that will take a while.

I hope you are all having a wonderful week. Take care.

xoxox.

happiness, pursuit of

2011-10-23T13:10:00.002-04:00

Hi, all!

Happy Sunday to you. Sunday is my very favorite day of the week, 'though not without some mixed feelings, you know? Nothing feels better than Sunday afternoon with its naps, cookie-making, reading and being with loved ones. But over it all hangs the realization that tomorrow...is Monday.

Whatev. I'm here to talk about something else: the amazing and fabulous Maira Kalmon, and how you might want to get to know her (or get to know her better). Just check out this fabulous book cover-portrait of Ben Franklin! I would frame it in a poster size, and kiss it every single day, if I could:

Apparently, she was all excited after the Obama election (me, too) and went to Washington to learn all about our government. I haven't the slightest desire to read the book, but the cover is beautiful. And, to tie it all in with something I do care about, I found a quote from Ms. Kalman pertaining to happiness itself in this interview with her in PaperMag, and I really like it.

Ready? She has discovered that "knowing the right thing to do doesn't mean you can do it in a way that brings you peace of mind and contentment. Sometimes you can be jumping for joy but that's usually connected with a small moment, like I just finished a job and I can jump for joy or I just had the most delicious ice cream. In terms of bigger peace of mind I think that working on something that you are really concentrating on that gives you tremendous satisfaction is probably the most serious relationship to happiness that anyone can actually have as the counterpoint to having people around you that you love or love you, one or the other, and or, hopefully both."

She's right, you know.

Have a great week, and also I love you.

xoxox.

a million, million light years of being

2011-10-20T19:34:00.002-04:00

Well, hello.

This is not my curtain, but it sure is pretty. See it bigger here.

I don't have much to say. Been just getting through the days lately. To wit: I had red wine and pumpkin pie for dinner. It was what I wanted, and I had it. That's either wise or stupid, and I don't know which.

We are moving to a new house in less than a month (closer to our work) and I'm in complete denial about another move. The last one messed me up so badly that I can only wince when I think about another. But it's a good thing...It is.

Maybe read this blog post (thank you, Sandra!)...I think you'll like it.

And, lastly: a lovely, lovely poem from Thea that brought me to tears. Find it in the comments to this post here.

Hope all is well with you.

xoxox.

girl project

2011-10-13T19:48:00.002-04:00

Hey, all! Happy near-weekend.

Just ordered the book Please Read (If At All Possible) for Olivia. It's based on Kate Engelbrecht's "The Girl Project," which strives to understand the mysteries of the minds of teen-aged girls (and it's encouraging, to boot!). I think we could all use a little help with that, so I ordered the book, and will be reviewing it thoroughly before handing it to Livvy.

I am blessed to have what I think is a very open relationship with my girl, but who really knows? And if this book helps her to feel less alone, then it's worth its weight in gold.

work-in-progress

2011-10-12T19:12:00.001-04:00

Hi, guys...Thinking more about creativity today. Want to toss it around a bit?

(wip, from junker jane)

I was prompted by Shannah's comment on this post the other day to look up the concept of social sculpture. And oh, the places it took me!

But first, what is social sculpture, you may ask (as I did)? You can read a whole bunch about it here, but basically, for our purposes, it's the idea that human activity (art) can strive to create or structure the environment we live in. Propounded by Joseph Beuys in the last half of the 20th century, it emphasizes art or actions directed by individual choices which thereby (of course) create our society, and indeed, our world.

So...creating our lives...Our lives as creations...Creativity as a way of life...Life itself as our best creation. Yes! That's it. That's what I want to do: apply the creative process used by artists and writers and such to my life. How can I do that? How can we do that?

I found some answers.

I was reading this very interesting article by artist and social sculpture proponent Jeff Barnum (he's got lots to say, do read if you have the time). His goal is to do exactly what I'm thinking, albeit on a much, much larger scale. And because he is an artist and a social activist, he has plenty of insight into all of it. He says:

The key challenge in making a work of art, I’ve learned, is to arrive at something powerful and interesting without knowing exactly how to do so. An artist works in situations with no pre-existing solutions...

That's the key, for me--the "artist works in situations with no pre-existing solutions." How many years of my life did I spend trying to force the solution, rather than creating one? How much time did I waste looking for a path that was pre-made, rather than blazing my own trail? Blazing the trail is harder, of course, because it's creative, and it takes much, much longer, but it's yours, and it's real, and it leads where you want to go, right?

More from Mr. Barnum about finding your own way, creatively or otherwise:

The defining characteristic of a creative process is that it structures the process of metamorphosis. For an artist to create a finished work of art, he or she must navigate a journey of reaching or hunting through which a final form can emerge. This is a metamorphic process: In art as in nature, the final form emerges at the end. Unless you have seen them before, it’s impossible to predict the butterfly from the caterpillar, the rose from the thorn bush, or the oak from the acorn. Even if you were familiar with the sequence, you would be hard pressed to exactly predict the emerging form. In art, if you’re sure of what you’re going to get before you start, you’re using a formula. A creative process structures the hunt for an emergent solution. (emphasis mine)

Do you get it? In our lives, when we know what we're going to get (or we think we do) we are on the wrong track, I think. We're using a formula, not our own creative energies. We need to "hunt for an emergent solution," even though that's scary. And do you know why the creative process is so uncomfortable? Because it's against all our mind's training, from birth to adulthood, to not know where you are going to end up. That's a really crazy and scary feeling for most of us, but as any artist can tell you, we have to become comfortable with the uncertainty of a true work-in-progress before we can ever, ever create anything of value or beauty. In art or in life, it's the truly uncomfortable (or even terrifying) times that often lead to the greatest growth and lasting beauty.

The last few years of my life were something I never, ever thought I'd experience. (Unemployment? Mental illness? Bankruptcy? Possible homelessness? Fear for my children's health and safety? Um, no.) And looking back, it's not just those few years that taught me so much--it's the years preceding them, when I didn't believe in trusting myself or the process of growth or even any kind of faith in God to show me the way--I wanted answers. Wanted them so badly that I was willing to force some very round pegs into some very square holes in order to make everything fit the way I thought it should be, based upon other people's lives. But all the while, I would have been far better served by creating a life of my own and learning to trust the grey areas for what they were--breeding ground for something very good and strong and true, if I could only search a little harder. And that's what I think I've finally learned to do. To know that my life itself is "a setting or a context in which [I] do creative work," just like an artist's studio, where wonderful things are attempted without roadmaps or cleared paths. These paths, the paths I hope to travel, can't be cleared before I get there--they are waiting for me, and only me. I have to clear them. And one day, my daughters may look at my paths and learn from them if they wish, but they will have to deviate from them for their own good--they must find their own way. And now, I'll make sure they do.

So the concept of social sculpture taught me all this, but also something much simpler--and it's not unique at all, but rather something I am just now learning to incorporate into my life. It's the idea that we are creating the world we want to see with every single action, word and thought. Or we should be, if we are mindful. Even Joseph Bueys, the artist (mentioned above) who created amazing works on a societal level, thought that each human being was an artist. He once said that “every sphere of human activity, even peeling a potato, can be a work of art--as long as it is a conscious act.” Don't you love that? I do. Each and every action can be beautiful and thoughtful and help to lead to the kind of world we want to leave for our children. I want to live this way, and I do, when I remember to.

I'll let you know how it goes...Any thoughts? What's the role of faith in this, if any? Do you feel you've made greater progress in your life when you don't force the results or have certain expectations? Or do you think we'd be crazy to approach life "creatively," as opposed to five- and ten-year plans? Please, do tell...

Meantime, have a wonderful rest of your week, okay? :o) Thanks for reading (if you made it this far!)...

xoxox.

fancy for used

2011-10-10T20:43:00.001-04:00

Hi, sweets.

Have you visited the vintage shop named Roberta Grove? It's right up my alley:

Great selection, great styling, and wonderful ideas to try on your own. And not too seemingly-snooty, like some of those vintage shops are. (I mean, let's all remind ourselves that "vintage" is just fancy for "used," no? Let's have a little fun!)...I'm working on my own bouquet of badminton rackets myself, thanks to this little shop.

Check it out. Catch you later, 'gators.

xoxox.

scenery

2011-10-08T11:16:00.001-04:00

Hello. Also, I love you.

It's a lovely long weekend here, and we will take full advantage of the extra day to catch up at work and home, plus do a bit of gawking at the fall leaves, which are just beginning to turn.

***

My dear friend Janice left this quote from Sheridan Le Fanu in her comment to my last post, and I really love it. It sums up everything for me:

"Thus, if there are afflictions, there are also comforts: great consolations, great chastisements. There is a comforter, and there is a chastener. Every man must taste of death: every man must taste of life. It shall not be all bitter nor all sweet for any. It shall be life. The unseen ministers of a stupendous equity have their eyes and their hands about every man’s portion; ‘as it is written, he that had gathered much had nothing over; and he that had gathered little had no lack.’

"It is the same earth for all; the same earth for the dead, great and small; dust to dust. The same earth for the living. ‘Thorns, also, and thistles shall it bring forth,’ and God provides the flowers too."

(I do have the best friends.)

***

I hope your weekend is colorful and cozy and includes at least some chocolate!

xoxox.

big question

2011-10-06T18:34:00.002-04:00

Hi.

I can't do it.

I can't stay away any more. I think my life was better in some ways when I blogged, and I'm going to have to figure out why. But for now, this:

And I am.

***

It's been a bit crazy, I have to be honest. Good crazy, and bad. My husband and I are working harder than ever before (good) to re-establish ourselves in the realm of the proud and solvent gainfully employed. It's good to work really, really hard. Especially if you feel like you are making a small contribution on the side of the positive, which neither he nor I have ever had the pleasure of feeling, and now we do. It makes a huge difference, I gotta tell you.

Then again, there's no time for anything even remotely creative. But you know what? I think I'm on to something! It's this: life is itself our best creation. And this one I've got is kind of wonky, a bit too haphazard at times, and really the colors could be better...but it's mine, and I'm trying so hard to get it right that I can hardly close my eyes at night. It's not about my house, or my home-grown tomatoes sitting oh-so-picturesquely on my windowsill (not) or my precociously dressed children (again, not) or my kick-ass thrift scores (although these can be very fun). It's about LIVING. Trying hard, making some pretty ugly mistakes, fixing them, and then giving everyone around you a really big hug. Because we will all not be here one day, and I can't let a moment pass without being grateful and thanking my lucky stars for all I've got.

You with me?

Let's go.

xoxox.

(p.s. Back soon.)

merci

2011-08-11T20:34:00.002-04:00

Hello, all. Thinking some melancholy thoughts this evening, even in the wake of all the goodness of late. I took some time to go over my old pictures on flickr this afternoon. Mistake? I'm not sure yet.

It had been a while, if only because my pro account expired long ago, and I couldn't renew it due to lack of funds. I renewed it anyway a few days ago, even though I still don't have the funds to justify it. There's just so much history there.

But now, when I look at those photos of our home in San Diego, it truly feels like I'm looking at someone from a different life. Even my kids don't seem like the same kids. In good ways, mostly. But what I miss for them is the innocence. The assurance that everything will always be fine. Because it won't always be fine. But it will. But not always. Do you get it?

I am thankful beyond measure for where we are. And yes, even though our lives are not literally as colorful as before, we have a depth and a richness that we have gained through tears and sleepless nights. Yet? I'm not going to sugar-coat it: I get really, really tired of this tiny house, with five lives trying to grow and relate in such a small space. Sometimes I feel I'm going to lose it--there's no room for ME. But then, my whole former life was all about me, so...I guess it's fair.

And I don't like being poor. We're, thankfully, the "working poor" now, but we're still poor. I don't like not having the money to do small things. I don't like not being able to relax for a while, financially, and do something a tiny bit frivolous. I don't like not being able to buy new shoes just when we need them, or having to worry if we can go to the doctor or not when we're sick. I don't like it.

Would I go back? No. But not because I wouldn't want to be in that place again--I would. I just would want to do it knowing what I know now. So that I wouldn't waste it, like I feel I did. But the reality, as we all know, is that back is not an option, and so forward we go. I am here, with new friends and new work and children who have faced the reality of losing almost everything. They'll be better for that, I know. But that doesn't mean I would put them through it again.

Regrets? I have them. Sadness? That, too. I've changed so much, everything has changed. And, in the face of that, I no longer really know what to blog about. So, I'm going to take a break, who knows how long, and figure it out. But more than anything in this post, I wanted to thank you for reading all these long months, as others faded away when the color did. You all stayed, and I'm so grateful.

Anyway. Blessings to you all, each and every one. Catch you round the bend, okay?

xoxox.

doll-baby

2011-08-06T20:04:00.001-04:00

These beautiful dolls from timor have me itching to try some hand-sewing again...

I've been longing for some handiwork when at home--nothing too messy or costly. And I've been in the habit of picking up lovely shirts and skirts and things at the thrift, merely because I love the fabric. I think I'm trying to tell myself something.

About 7 or 8 years ago, I was very interested in doll making, and I really loved doing it when I was pregnant with my second daughter. And then, of course, she was born, and all that went out the window for other, more child-friendly, crafts. I think I might be ready to try again, in a whole new way.

It's inspiring to see what is out there. But I don't want to sell anything, or get into the etsy-shop-running sort of mind. I just want to play. Is it okay to make dolls when your children are too old for them? I hope so. Because, man, do I love a doll.

I just bought this book and this book, just to get started. I haven't received the second one yet, but the first one is charming, and perhaps just what I need to get my fingers simply used to holding a needle again. I don't really need them, of course, but they are so fun to look at, and I hope an inspiration to my girls to pick up a needle and thread, if they wish to.

The heart loves what it loves, you know? Sometimes, we just have to listen.

xoxox.

outside in

2011-08-06T15:13:00.001-04:00

Hello, all. Here's our front yard:

And here is a little bit of how Sofie is "bringing the outside in":

If she was an eight-year-old girl, and didn't love horses, then I'd be worried...

***

This weekend: s'mores made, books read (of course), crafting contemplated (it's a step), hikes taken, and meatball subs for dinner. All in all, nothing to complain about.

Hope you are happy, with all kinds of little joys to ponder!

xoxox.

blue

2011-07-29T16:59:00.000-04:00

Hello, all!

I'm stepping outside my usual ruby-colored comfort zone and noticing all sorts of blues popping up around here:

Sofie's sweet shoes...I will so miss sights like this one day when the girls have gone off on their own. It will come sooner than I am ready for, I know...

...A painting done by my grandmother in the 1960s that I had long disliked because it was in an absolutely horrific frame. I took it out the other day, and now I absolutely love it.

(The nails in the side of the canvas make me strangely happy.)

When I removed the frame, I discovered it has penciled notes from her on the back, taken while she was in art class. I love that so much.

...A new crop of blue shirts from the thrift store...I hadn't noticed the trend until they were all hanging there like that...

This girl crocheting...

...this...

...from this book...

...which is truly adorable.

This long-neglected (by me, I mean) classic which has me shaking my head in amazement, it's so good. I"ve read all her others, but somehow never got around to this one. (Jane Austen, another revolutionary in her own way...She practically invented the novel, between trips to the seashore and calls from friends. Amazing. This is a great brief bio by the wonderful Carol Shields.)

This book of poetry which sits on my mother's bedside table. She got it when she was in high school, 45 years ago, and it is the essence of her. I remember seeing it throughout my childhood and I'll keep it forever and ever.

And this stack of books, which will be the basis of my husband's new job. So exciting! A month of busy days ahead, for sure, but welcome all the same.

Hope you are well, sweet friends.

xoxox.

masterpiece

2011-07-21T20:16:00.004-04:00

Hello, dearies!

( sweet print available via jerseymaids)

After reading so much about Emily, I've really been tossing the idea of creativity around in my head and heart--almost constantly. And I feel like, maybe, I'm on to something.

A while back, I posted on my feelings about creating and its uses, both to the creator and the consumer. Well, funnily enough, my readings on Emily Dickinson have provided the vital missing piece for me: there was no consumer for Emily. She created only and completely for her own fulfillment, actually her own art, and not for public consumption. More than that, she created to make of her own life, the disparate pieces and limits and boundaries and walls, something totally new, completely unheard of, and radically different from anything that had come before. More than that, she created something that, albeit unintentional, would strengthen and encourage countless others in her wake.

Now, how can this relate to us? The mother, the wife, the working woman or man, simply trying to get through each day, week, month? Simply trying, with all our might, to hold body and spirit and family together, and to share a bit of our souls with others? How can it possibly relate to us?

Emily was a recluse, a sweet, sweet woman who chose to withdraw from the world in order to focus and nurture her very copious talents. We cannot do the same (though I, for one, would like to on many days!). She lived within very real limits and restrictions, fell in love with a man completely and totally unavailable to her, let him go, and carried him within her broken heart for the rest of her days. She loved deeply and required much of her friends, and as a result was continuously disappointed and even, to some extent, betrayed. Her family was all to her; she sacrificed much to make them happy. But she wrote. She wrote hundreds and hundreds of poems, between the bread rising and the bread baking, and between the dusting and the garden chores. She wrote because by doing so, she took the remnants of her history and created nothing less than a masterpiece, a masterpiece that would nurture and encourage others for centuries to come.

How? In part, she controlled, to a remarkable degree, the visible aspects of her life. She wore only white after her lover moved away. She rarely answered the door, preferring to hide behind the stairwell when visitors came by. She sent poems next door to her beloved sister-in-law, often not seeing her for months at a time. She cared for her aging parents, and refused several marriage proposals. And her heart was broken, deeply and irreversibly broken.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you have a broken heart? Have you aging parents? Do you reach out to others, only to have them dismiss you as sentimental, and even needy? Do you feel alone and without maps, sometimes?

I do. I do, indeed.

And how, then, to turn this to art, in our very own, very daily lives? This, I think, is completely individual to each and every woman or man. We must, as Emily did, find our very own way of making art of our heartbreak. Of our need and our pain. Of our loneliness and frustration. Of our deep and enduring reconciliation with what will never, ever be.

I am forty years old, and I have failed in many ways. I never was the Senate page or social champion I thought I'd be, nor did I graduate from an Ivy League college, as I thought I could and should. I never was the successful lawyer or teacher or lawyer's wife or artist that I hoped I could be. Even as a mother and wife, every day I am confronted with failure. Expected, and even accepted, failure, yes, but failure nonetheless. Too, as a daughter, friend, and sister, I fail daily.

But what of it? Am I not human, am I not trying? Of course! And in this trying is the beauty that we all seek. The beauty that Emily turned into art, and that we, too, try to distill to its essence each and every day. I don't know, and have long wondered, how it will surface in my own life, but I have a new and very faint suspicion that it will show itself not through poetry or painting or any such visual art, but through my daily actions. Acts of compassion, acts of love, acts of acceptance, acts of understanding, acts of release. This will be my legacy, I hope. This is all I have to leave behind for my daughters, my friends, my husband, and this always-hurting, but ever-sweet world.

I'm not there yet, not by any means. But I really am trying, and I know I'm on the right path. I had so much to learn. And I study daily, hoping to find the strength to create what I feel I must.

And you? What will be your masterpiece? Think without limits, and let your heart lead the way. It won't be free of pain or struggle, not even remotely, but it will be worth it. Every single bit. I thank Emily for teaching me this.

Enjoy your week, my sweet friends!

just emily

2011-07-20T15:20:00.004-04:00

Hello, friends...

As I mentioned before, I am reading My Wars Are Laid Away In Books: The Life of Emily Dickinson by Alfred Habegger, and it's really gotten me thinking about creativity and the lives we lead, especially as women. I love this biography in particular--it is by far the best one I have read and I highly recommend it.

(By the way, is Emily Dickinson well-known throughout the world? I always assumed she was, but after reading this book I am also much more conscious of her New England roots, and I wonder if I've been sort of assuming she's famous all over, in a really yucky egocentric-American way. But of course, she is universal in her expression of heartbreak, the searching soul, and the struggle to become the person we so very much wish to be, isn't she? I hope so.)

Anyway, here are a few things about Emily I thought you might enjoy: First, a recently discovered picture of her that makes me incredibly happy:

Isn't it so nice to see her as a grown woman, instead of that lovely, but gangly and immature teen? I found this new image in Habegger's book, and apparently it was discovered on eBay in 2000! Not everyone is convinced it is her, but experts at this sort of thing have measured the facial characteristics of each photo, and decided that they could be the same person. I'm a believer, and I'm thrilled to death to see a mature Emily at last. (Plus, did you know she was a redhead?! I always thought of her as a mousey-brown. So glad she wasn't.)

Also, here are a few very wonderful-looking books for children about Emily that I just discovered while looking for more information online:

The Mouse of Amherst, about a mouse who lives in Emily's walls...

Emily, about a little girl who moves to Amherst and becomes friends with the poet, with pictures by the incomparable Barbara Cooney.

And My Uncle Emily, by wonderful children's author Jane Yolen, tells the story of the friendship between Emily and her nephew, who grew up right next door.

I can't wait to read them!

And then! Look at this beautiful poster that is available from the Emily Dickinson Museum! It's by artist Penelope Dullaghan. I think it's lovely:

(The goodness just never ends! Check out just some of her wonderful work! And she has an AMAZING blog here. Wow.)

And so on, and so on, and so on...Have a good one, my dears.

xoxox.

a video...

2011-07-16T18:43:00.004-04:00

...that's pretty much on a continuous loop at our house. Which is fine with me...Sofie needs to hear every bit of it, over and over again:

Yeah. Who the h*** says? Thanks, Selena.

xoxox.

pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?

2011-07-12T20:20:00.001-04:00

Hello, sweet friends! Thanks so very much for all the good wishes. Hopeful days, indeed, around our house...

Warning: totally annoying cat post coming up. (Sorry. I've got to make up for lost time.)

Got to love a kitty in Victorian clothing...cat softie from murmur frem...

Awesome little mug from the always cool mccheek's mayhem (love this one even more!)...

Totally incredible mid-century tea towel (who could dry their hands on this?) from Vel B Vintage...(via kickcan and conkers--thanks, Deb!)

Wonderful print with one of my all-time favorite sentiments, from love sugar...

And check prettyville for a wonderful selection of repurposed vintage plates, including this one which truly looks into the mind of any sweet kitty.

Okay. That should hold me for a while.

Hope the rest of your week is even better than red wine and potato chips.

xoxox.

emily and isabelle

2011-07-10T17:35:00.000-04:00

I recently discovered that one of my favorite artists, Isabelle Arsenault, illustrated a small sampling of Emily Dickinson's poems a few years ago. The collaboration is nothing short of beautiful. I purchased the book at a used bookstore, for Olivia, but it's been in my hands at least as often as hers.

Read Isabelle Arsenault's blog here, and see more amazing images of her work here.

I'm currently reading (in addition to Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life, which is totally rocking my world) this biography of Emily Dickinson, and I'm enjoying it immensely. The author is wise and perceptive and I feel I'm finally learning a bit about the real Emily, perhaps, and not just her crazy stereotype. So cool.

I can't think of many better ways to spend a Sunday afternoon, can you?

Hope yours is lovely!

xoxox.

winter's over

2011-07-09T11:07:00.001-04:00

Hello! I hope you are well.

Oh, my friends...such good news: My husband, after nearly two years of unemployment, has been offered a job. And not just any job: a very, very good job that he can feel proud of and within which he will grow and learn. We are so happy!

In case you are unfamiliar with our journey to this point, may I fill you in briefly? My husband was an attorney in California for 13 years, a job at which he excelled but for which he was singularly unsuited in both spirit and heart. When he lost his job these many months ago, he initially planned to continue in the legal field, only because he had a family to support and this was what he was trained to do--he felt it was all he had to offer. As the months dragged on, however, and nothing panned-out in California, we had to sell our much-loved home and leave most of our worldly possessions behind, packing only the bare necessities in a rented truck and driving across the country to begin anew. Nothing came through in the legal field here, either, so he began to prepare for a long-shot at a "dream" job by taking steps to become a middle school teacher. We've been barely making it, living on the incredible kindness of others (including my sweet mother, without whom we would have been well and truly homeless), working hard, and praying for a miracle.

And it came. He was hired last week by a small, private college-prep school to teach middle school math. They are delighted to have him, and he is truly a person transformed.

We now live in an area we love so much more than we ever did California (a lovely state, but we didn't really "fit"), have met new people we hope to have in our lives forever, have accomplished more than we ever thought we could, and have dramatically shifted our perspectives and priorities. We've experienced kindnesses previously unimagined, and grown in ways we didn't know we needed to. And I'm here to tell you: it won't stop now.

We will in no way be living "high on the hog" (as Sofia says, "we just want to GET on the hog!") and will continue to keep things very simple around here, both by necessity and design. I'm in love with teaching, myself, and I don't plan to ever stop working at the school at which I'm privileged to work. Our life is much smaller in some ways, but so, so much richer in love. It's who we are, now. Thank God.

And our journey is far from complete, of course! I'll be back soon with lots to share and questions to ponder. Thanks, as always, for stopping by...And thank you for your kindness all this long time.

xoxox.

checking in

2011-06-30T20:24:00.002-04:00

Hello, friends.

So happy today that one of my very favorite artists, Julie Hendriks, is now offering affordabe prints of her amazing artwork. These, above, are some of my favorites, now that I live in a place all crowded with trees. Check them out here.

All is well chez Hanson, just very, very quiet (from the outside, at least). Some exciting bits in the offing, however, and I'll keep you posted...

I find I'm settling into our new life, working hard, keeping a close eye on my girls, and as always, plumbing the depths of my heart for changes and new growth. Thanks for hanging in there with me--if you are--and blessings to you, still, if you choose to move on. I understand, it's slow-going around here. It has to be. It's real.

Love to you and yours!

xoxox.

outtakes

2011-06-14T18:43:00.000-04:00

Hello, sweets. Got a new quote for you that I love, along with some photo-outtakes with Yoshi, Most-Curious Queen of Cats:

(I sure do love her. Whod've thunk?)

Have a wonderful week. I mean it.

xoxox.

fireflies

2011-06-11T10:30:00.003-04:00

Hello, my dears!

Oh, it's been a l-o-o-o-ng week. Taught a sweet little art camp at the Montessori school this week and it wore me right out. Loved every minute of it, but I'm beat. Today, I'll be settling in with a couple of good library books (this! and this!) and a fresh batch of chocolate-chip cookies to revive myself.

Anyway, we ex-Californians had a wonderful treat last night. Fireflies! You wouldn't think little bugs could be so exciting, but we were beside ourselves. Just like snow and autumn leaves, fireflies are not something you grow up with on the west coast. I never thought I'd see any in person--never, ever! But last night, there they were, little dots of light flittering over the grass. It brought tears to my eyes (admittedly, not so tough to do these days, but, still). Little gifts, ever and always new. The beauty never ceases, my friends--just never. (The photo above is not mine--I wasn't prepared with my camera and I didn't want to miss it by taking pictures, anyway. It's a beauty, though, from here.)

Of course, it got me thinking about the many gifts of our move across the country. There are many reasons that Californians love California, and chief among them is the weather. Always sunny, always warm, always practically perfect.

And always the same.

With that sameness comes a certain complacency, and maybe, although I didn't realize it at the time, the expectation that life will always be good. When your day is always sunny, breezy, and 77 degrees, you come to believe that it should be that way. Dangerous territory, indeed. As we all know, life is about change, good and difficult, and how we react to it. That is the challenge we are here to face, in my opinion. How to accept change, ours and eachother's, and how to respond to it with dignity, love, and compassion. There are no guarantees, and we should all check our feelings of entitlement at the proverbial door--no one comes out unscathed.

But, that's a blessing, I've learned. Because you know what? When nothing ever changes, you never experience the beauty of surprise. And it is very, very easy to forget that nothing stays forever. Life is seasons, we are seasons, and nothing, not the sun on your face or the job you have or the health you enjoy or the house you call home---is forever. Nothing. I don't ever, ever want to forget that again.

I've found that when you do forget this, along with all the other sad surprises life has in store for you, you fail to appreciate the ephemeral nature of it all--and the beauty that this impermanence imparts. We certainly get a glimpse of that as parents, where one day we are changing diapers and the next we are talking college. But it's everywhere, and we forget it, or deny it, at our own expense.

And I say this not only because we will inevitably be reminded of change and decay, but also because to miss it--to miss the short and hidden gifts of each season--is to deprive ourselves of the opportunity to be thankful. For this child, for this day, for this challenge, for this beauty. None of it will last, the good or the bad. Notice. Remember. Appreciate. Delight in it! And love.

That's the only thing left, after all, when we're gone. And it will be enough. It always is.

xoxox.

in a heartbeat

2011-06-02T15:05:00.000-04:00

Hey, all! Check these out:

From this slideshow right here.

It makes me strangely happy that people go ahead and paint their buildings like these, day-glo and all.

Why not everywhere? Search me. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I wonder why Americans are so boring...(no, wait, don't tell me!)

xoxox.

what i learned today

2011-05-31T16:01:00.001-04:00

Oooh-eeee! I made my first photo collage (see above)! It only took two hours...but I like it well enough (too much quilty-ness, but I just can't do it over a single 'nother time). Something I've been afraid to try, for some unknown reason. One of those things you think only other people can do, you know? Maybe I'm the only one who does that. (Or it could be a family thing: my mother is convinced she is unable to learn to drive a stick shift. It is just not up for discussion.)

Baby steps, my friends...

I was reading the truly wonderful, but horribly-named book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (I mean, could it be more clunky?) and came across something very helpful to me, especially with the girls, but with everyone, really. It is about expressing appreciation, whenever we can. How often do we praise our children for something they regularly do right? Umm...almost never, on my part. We all praise when we are trying to change behavior, but rarely do we just throw out a kind word. The authors of HTTSKWLALSKWT (that's the "short version" of the above title) say this, and I love it:

Most of us are quick to criticize and slow to praise. We have a responsibility as parents to reverse this order. Our children's self-worth is too valuable to be left to chance or entrusted to strangers. You may have noticed yourself that the outside world doesn't rush in to offer praise...[In the real world], our efforts to be cooperative are taken for granted. One slip-up, and condemnation is swift...

Let us be different in our own homes. Let us realize that along with food, shelter, and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that is to affirm their "rightness." The whole world will tell them what is wrong with them--loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what's right about them. (emphasis mine.)

And then, maybe, just maybe, they won't have to teach themselves self-compassion at the age of forty.

I don't know. We can only hope.

Later, 'gators.

xoxox.

inquire within

2011-05-29T11:22:00.005-04:00

Hi, again, sweets. Quiet, long weekend, here. Color seems to be creeping back into our lives:

I'm reading (so good!), resting, and inquiring within. :o) You?

Happy Sunday to you all!

xoxox.

an island of calm

2011-05-26T19:46:00.002-04:00

Hello, sweet friends...

I thank you so much for your comments on my last several posts. I really appreciate them, and they have provided me with lots and lots to think about, which always makes me happy!

After my last post, I've been musing on where to go next, both personally and in regards to the blog. The conclusion I came to was that I would just take things as they came, knowing that guidance would come, as it always does. My husband is doing some reading on Buddhist thought and I'm enjoying mulling some of that over--particularly the part about being satisfied with what we have and not ever and always grasping for more. I can honestly say that one of the unforeseen benefits of having very little money is that it takes away the option to always upgrade, do more, buy more and have more. It's just not an option, and realizing the impermanence of things as we have in the past two years has been both painful and liberating.

But then! Today I found this incredibly timely article on self-compassion by social scientist Kristin Neff and it all came together for me in one of those beautiful and rare moments of clarity. I've been struggling with devastating feelings of lack of self-worth lately, and truth be told, it's a struggle I've had my whole life. (Which is probably why I tried to fill all kinds of emotional holes with stuff, but that's a story that I've shared already. If you care to, you can check my old blog [there's some fun there, too!] to read the nitty-gritty.) Anyway, Ms. Neff really made such sense to me when she discussed the value of self-compassion to combat these feelings. And I realized that that is what I've been trying to get at: the need to "stop judging and evaluating" myself--completely! Can that be? Can we really do that? She says yes.

I beg of you to read the article yourself--I really believe you will find much of value there...but I do want to share Neff's three ways to begin to practice self-compassion, because I actually think they relate to this blog a little bit, believe it or not. First, she says to practice self-kindness, "being gentle and understanding with ourselves"--as though we were talking to a friend, or even a stranger. (I know that I have said vile things to myself inside my own head that I wouldn't utter to anyone else, ever. You?)

Second, and here's where I sat up a little straighter, "recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering." That is what this blog tends to do for me, and exactly why I keep doing it! It certainly didn't start that way, but I have found that by being honest about our family's struggles and how they have changed (and continue to change) us has opened up new dialogues and even created bridges to true friendships that have brought me great comfort. And if I could provide even the tiniest bit of comfort to someone else, and make them feel less alone? Then every bit is worth it a thousand times more.

And third, "it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it." By writing about my pain, I am able to force myself to also see the good, and in return, goodness comes to me again through your comments and responses. And even if there are no comments or responses, I know that I have forced myself to be as honest as I can be at that moment. I don't know why this is easier and more productive for me to do publicly, but I think it's because I really care about those who read and comment, and I feel I have a different perspective to offer, one that, in my opinion, isn't spoken of enough. (But what blogger doesn't feel that way? That's nothing new, right?!)

So. Whew.

But hey! Can we explore this? Can we talk about why crafters and designers are so competitive on their blogs and why some people thrift just for the sake of getting stuff to show online? And why crafting is, as wise commenter Rachelle said on my last post, often "no longer done for practical reasons alone but for status in blogland." And why in years past, when I've gotten the perfect grade or someone has complemented me on my outfit or home it has made me happy for all of three seconds (and cost me untold amounts of money, time, and energy)? What is it that drives us all to be perfect--home, body, children, life? When does relentless goal-setting become nothing more than self-torture? When can we say that there is no perfect and that "rather than pitting ourselves against other people in an endless comparison game, we embrace what we share with others and feel more connected and whole in the process" (Neff again!)? When can we start looking for lasting peace and not the next opportunity to one-up each other? When can we finally say, and mean it, enough?

When, indeed?

Well, I'm starting now. And this is the place I will chart my progress, my setbacks, and my tiny victories. And, at the risk of over-quoting, I have to cite the last paragraph of Neff's article, because it was just too good to be true. After my last post where I compared the last little while to coming to shore after being in a storm at sea (I'm not usually very good at metaphors, but I was rather proud of this), Neff has this to say about my new goal, self-compassion: [it does nothing less than] provide an island of calm, a refuge from the stormy seas of endless positive and negative self-judgment, so that we can finally stop asking, “Am I as good as they are? Am I good enough?” By tapping into our inner wellsprings of kindness, acknowledging the shared nature of our imperfect human condition, we can start to feel more secure, accepted, and alive." (Italics mine.)

A message in a bottle, for me alone? (There I go again!) Certainly not. But I'm not ignoring it, either.

Thank you so much for reading, my dears. If you'd like to share your thoughts as I seek for buried treasure (ugh), I'd love to hear from you!

A thousand blessings to you and yours.

xoxox.

brave new world

2011-05-17T19:13:00.001-04:00

beautiful image from spinstersemporium

Hello, sweet friends!

Been laying awfully low lately. I find I've painted myself into a corner, blog-wise. I feel almost as if anything I might blog about would make me look a complete hypocrite. So, uncharacteristically, I've been keeping my mouth firmly shut.

I mean, it's not that I don't love beautiful images or beautiful things. It's just that I'm changing, and I no longer need them to make me happy anymore. That's good stuff, no? I think so.

And lately, I've noticed a certain lack of conflict--both in my life, and in me. I don't feel so torn, so fish-out-of-water, so scared and worried and weak. I hesitate to question it too much, but I think maybe I'm coming out of something really profound, emerging from some kind of storm that left me, for so long, unable to think of anything but survival, and now I'm on the shore. I don't know where I am yet, but I'm okay. I'm okay.

But it's all so new that I hardly know what to say. I just need to get my bearings. And really, really, seriously thank my lucky stars that I'm still here. And next I'll take a good long look around to gather all I need for life in this strange, new land.

I'll keep you posted. It's going to be something.

Thanks for reading.

xoxox.

resting

2011-05-01T12:53:00.000-04:00

Taking it slow and easy. Hope you can, too.

xoxox.

stuff, part two

2011-04-30T08:03:00.005-04:00

image via

'Kay. Here goes...I'd like to try to explain my last post a bit, if you don't mind? In some ways, I probably wasn't clear, and I'd like to know what you think...

I have no objection whatsoever to owning things. I love my things, and I'm sure you do, too. I would not want to live in a home where things were not lovingly shared and curated, creating an atmosphere of comfort and love. The memories and experiences contained in personal items is irreplaceable, and I would never, ever wish to forgo the possession of such.

What I do object to is gratuitous acquisition: the purchasing of things just to purchase them when they perhaps have no emotional or other value to the owner. Does this really happen? Yes, and I've done it. So I feel that I have a particularly valid stance from which to speak.

Do I collect things? Yes. At the moment, I have a collection of vintage aprons on display in my kitchen, and I have started a small collection of vintage thermoses. All of the aprons and thermoses were very fun to find, but really bring me no joy in and of themselves, and I wonder if it was even wise to purchase them. The aprons make me happy when I see them because of their bright colors. The thermoses look cozy. But if they were to disappear tomorrow, I would probably not really even care. So can I say they were a wise purchase? No, I don't think so. Fortunately, they were all found for pennies on the dollar, and I'm not out much money. Will I continue to add to my thermos collection? I think not, and I thank Kate for that--her comment on my last post pointed out some very real hypocrisy in my thinking.

It's not just collecting, it's the focus on appearances that I find unnerving. But that's what an interiors blog is about, right? I guess what I was trying to say, without even realizing it, is that they--the interiors blogs--don't make me so happy anymore. I used to look at them for "inspiration," and really did find myself inspired by all the creating that goes on out there--admittedly really wonderful stuff. But lately, I just find that it has to have a limit, and there doesn't seem to be one in our blog world. I'm searching for honesty, in my own life and others, and the simple fact that some homeowners have such beautifully styled homes when so many have so very little (and here I am not talking about myself--I'm talking about those with no home, hungry children, and illnesses they cannot treat, right here in our own countries, not to mention other less prosperous nations)--well, I just don't enjoy focusing on that anymore.

Now, I have no way of knowing if these fortunate people, those with the fully appointed and styled homes with what I perceive as an excess of stuff donate a goodly portion of their time and money to those less fortunate than themselves. They could very well be doing so. That's not my concern. My feeling--mine, alone--is that I do not wish to ooh and ahh over the stuff anymore, nor try to copy it's style or feel. It doesn't make me happy. That's what I was trying to say. This is all part of my journey of the past year or so, and I feel better for it. These are big changes for me.

As for creating (deep breath): Creating for an outlet is vital to so many of us. But creating items that have no inherent meaning to either the creator or the consumer is wasteful. That is how I feel. I'm not going to give examples here because that wouldn't be right, but here is the thing: if something doesn't either have a function in my home, or an emotional connection for me, then I will no longer purchase it. This is huge, folks. Really huge. I am a girl who, in the past, bought a $400 rug, only to give it away a few months later because it no longer made me "happy." This is a rug I never needed in the first place. Now, of course, I am not financially able to make unnecessary (and even some necessary) purchases right now, but that's not the point--I wouldn't do it even if I could. Really. And did I learn this little lesson unwillingly? You bet--kicking and screaming. But I did learn it, and it's real.

Now, will I buy a bouquet of flowers? If and when I am once again able to afford them, yes! Do they have a function? I think so, don't you? I think beauty is important, and when it comes at such a small price, I think we would be remiss to not appreciate it. I'm not talking about eliminating all beauty, not at all. I'm talking about not buying, say, nine vintage typewriters (see last post). Or books, when I can find them at the library. Or clothes I don't need. Or knick-knacks that have no personal meaning for me. This may not be a big change for you, but is for me. That's all I'm saying.

What do you think? I'm obviously trying to understand this issue, and I would love your feedback, if you have any, even if you completely think I'm a hypocritical idiot. I need to hear that, if I am. Please let me know. :o)

Oh, happy weekending, friends! Thanks for reading.

xoxox.

the post that won't win me any...well, anything

2011-04-25T19:07:00.009-04:00

Hello, friends. A quick warning: This post ended up being a bit...on the harsh side. I don't know, I just felt I needed to say it, and it's my blog, so I said it.

It all started quite innocently, right here:

I've been really enjoying the work and writing of Barbara at Indianablue lately. I find her earnest searching and genuine effort to create beauty very, very inspiring. I aspire to live the way she seems to live, thoughtfully and with intention. As a contrast, for a long while after our move I very consciously tried to copy the style of certain bloggers who, ultimately, didn't seem terribly friendly to me, so I quit. I just sort of wanted a change, and didn't quite know how to go about it. And I think I was craving simplicity and order and a certain oh, I don't know..."severity"? (That seemed the only way to go after leaving every single brightly colored thing we owned on the other coast.)

But, like I said, not so friendly and so I continue to search for my own new way. What I love about Barbara's style is it's total lack of self-consciousness. She doesn't decorate, she just lives. I really like that. Alot.

So many blogs are just about stuff, stuff, stuff. I'm sorry, but when I saw this photo, I just got a tiny bit sick to my stomach. You have nine vintage thrifted typewriters. I know, it's not hurting anyone, but it just rubs me the wrong way. And I used to collect lots of stuff, so I do know the joys of it, I really do! But the endless acquisition just to impress your fellow bloggers? I'm over it.

And I love a beautiful home as much as the next gal, but honestly, I could have a really incredible home if I had the money. I really think I could. So, kudos to all the folks with lots of spare change. (Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am. But I'm also finally growing up.) The more I think about it and look around, the more I realize that the blog world, at least the vast majority of our little off-shoot of it, is a fantasy. Perfectly imperfect moms, lovely vintage-y (in a repainted and re-glossed sort of way) homes, art appreciation (of the sort of art that says nothing and doesn't make you uncomfortable), and the crafting of adorable but useless items. This cannot be the real world.

Anyway. I do like Indianablue. So there's that, and that's not nothing.

Have a good one. Back to my usual self soon (whoever that is!).

xoxox.

earth day

2011-04-22T11:49:00.009-04:00

Hello, all!

Yesterday, the children at the little school I work at celebrated Earth Day a bit early. We made these necklaces to celebrate:

They are simply made from soil (earth) and white glue. It seemed like a nice idea to use the earth to decorate and celebrate the day. (Probably the glue is not environmentally friendly, but we only used a tiny bit, and it has to be better than some cheap plastic crap from the store, right?) Anyway, you just mix the two to the consistency of clay, and then stick a paperclip in the top for a hook, let dry overnight, and paint! A messy craft (but a very fun one), inexpensive, and cute. I love it.

If the nuclear disaster in Japan (or the Gulf Coast oil spill, or any number of other tragedies) should tell us anything, it's that our worst fears of global environmental damage can certainly come true. But still, it's a world full of beauty and love, and I have no doubt that we can and will find solutions to our problems, environmentally and otherwise. That's not to say it won't take a lot of work to fix the results of the laziness of the past couple-hundred years or so...and an awful lot of sacrifice of "comfort" and ease. All for the best, though. Perhaps if we work a little harder, give up a bit more, and live in greater harmony with the plants and animals that share our world, we can find whatever it is that we all seem to be so frantically looking for. I do hope so.

Anyway, I'm game...Have a beautiful weekend, wherever you are!

xoxox.

so do it.

2011-04-20T16:49:00.000-04:00

My bro just sent me this. It's awesome.

I gotta go. I've got stuff to try now.

xoxox.

cheap goods

2011-04-16T13:12:00.000-04:00

Hello! I've been having some luck at the thrift lately and the walls around here are looking less-bare. Yay!

Little embroidery piece for twenty-five cents! Lovely...I've been seeing lots of embroidery lately, and I wonder if it's just that my eye is registering it for the first time, or if there really is more of it about?

(This one is crewel, actually, and it was so kitchy and sweet, I couldn't pass it up, even with the gold frame...)

New collection started, as long as they are one dollar or less: black and red thermoses!

Not a thrift find, but vintage: I had this wonderful pillow-cover (made from an old feed-sack) and as a pillow it was just too big. So I tied it to the back of this chair for a bit of color and vintage love. Still a bare corner, but it will come together in time.

Old frames, for 10 cents each. Waiting for paint, perhaps, or not...I like them bare.

And a super good find! Two vintage chalkboards from the sixties, in original packaging, for under ten dollars! I hung them right outside the girls' rooms for messages and notes that they cannot ignore. The one on the left had a shiny metal frame, so I covered it with old dominoes, and it helped a lot. (Now when they come out of the bathroom and see "put away your laundry!" they can't claim they never saw the note. Whoop!)

And lastly, this is my momma's bedroom door. Sometimes she's napping, and the girls charge right in there, so I bought her this little chalkboard from the dollar bin at Michael's. Now she writes "I'm napping!" on it when she doesn't want to have visitors. So much friendlier than a locked door (but she has that option, too!). Some simple frustration savers, on the cheap. I love it when that happens.

If you would like to see more of our oh-so-simple home, you can just click on over to flickr here. It's tiny but mighty in spirit, that is for sure.

Thanks for reading, as always. Hope you are well!

:o)

full disclosure

2011-04-14T18:19:00.000-04:00

Hello, all. I'm feeling better, and there's one sure reason why: I'm back on my med. I will never, ever, under any voluntary circumstances whatsoever, attempt to go off of it again. All the days of tears and desperate hopelessness came back full-force, almost all at once. It was horrendous, most especially at work with the children, who had no way of understanding where my smiles had gone.

I've thought a lot about why I went off of it, and it occurred to me that it was, ironically, because I was doing so very well--coping with challenges, feeling strong and capable, cheerful despite the odds. So, I guess, I thought I was..."better." I thought, gee, if I'm doing so well while times are difficult, it must be that I am better than I was. Because I was never this happy or this content, and by all accounts, my life was considerably more comfortable. Thus, to my (ill-conceived) reasoning, I could go it alone, without the help of my trusty morning pill.

Not so. Turns out, I need that pill, just as much as I need my thyroid medication each and every day. But for some reason, I was ashamed of my anti-depressant, and always wanted to be free of it. And now I know--it's something I should be grateful for, not ashamed of. I thought this morning of all the men and women of the past who struggled with depression due to physical causes and never, ever were able to overcome it, sometimes with tragic results. All the people. All the sad and lonely people, trapped inside the misery of their own heads, through no fault of their own. And I am so grateful for the help.

I was off my medication for a good three weeks before it really became unbearable. And the one thought that made me resist going back on it was this: what if this sad me that I am when I'm not on medication is the REAL me, and the other one, the happy and capable and silly one, is just not real? What if it's just the medication? It took me many days of tears to realize that it didn't matter! If the real me was the one who was so crazy-sad, so sad she couldn't function, then I am sorry, but she must be left behind. Because she wouldn't last long anyway. I just couldn't make it inside that head for any length of time--I'd have to escape.

It's hard to realize this--that me unadulterated is me unable to function. But as my sweet friend Anne pointed out, depression is really no different than any other medically treatable condition. If a heart patient or a diabetic refused to take the pill that would save their lives, we would call them crazy and misinformed and maybe even stupid. And so: I take my pill.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I didn't take either decision--either to go off the medication or to go back on it--lightly. Perhaps you know someone who is on medication and this will help you understand, or perhaps you struggle with some of the same issues yourself? I don't know. Unlike most other medical issues, it's a subject that is tied up with all kinds of feeling of self-worth and self-image, so it's far from simple in any case. But I know that most people don't talk about it, and to be honest, I almost never do, and now I've spilled the beans on the Internet, for heaven's sake. But something compels me to do so, and it's nothing to do with self-promotion, that's for sure (I may have difficulty in the limelight, but I do know this is not how I would choose to be seen).

Hope this makes some sense. I'm just trying to to understand, you know? Oh, and thank you for your comments and insights. I really love and treasure them, always.

xoxox.

early morning, when i should be doing other things

2011-04-12T06:22:00.001-04:00

Hey, there, cutie.

I was a-goin' through my blog list this morning with my coffee (a treat I don't usually allow myself, but one which seemed very necessary today) and found many lovely and hopeful things. Want to see?

This photo is from the set of seedkeeper on flickr, which I found through the wonderful morning's light. It's of a flat in London, which is so full of fun and goodness I could stare at it forever. But I really like this photo and the idea of putting a tray of photos on the table to leaf through with a cup of tea, don't you? What a wonderful idea. Do check the spot on sunny's blog and also the set on flickr. Just lovely!

As I recently chose to go off of my anti-depressant medication (something I've been on since Olivia was around 2) I've been struggling mightily. I'm not sure I can see it through, but I'm giving it a go, for financial and other reasons. (Guilt? Why do I feel guilty and weak for using this medication? I would NEVER think that of someone else, but I do of myself...Something to consider.) Anyway, this post and many others on Bikbik and Roro are helping lots. Thanks, Jan.

Speaking of valuing ourselves, check Teri's amazing answer to her children's question about her recent creation. It's awesome.

A beautiful post on mending from Susan has my mind and heart in the right place this morning. So wonderful and inspiring, with photos to treasure...

And last, but never least, love to Ingrid, who is inspiring in every single way, and now more than ever.

Off to work, now. Love to you all!

xoxox.

can i tell you something?

2011-04-11T19:17:00.000-04:00

So,hey...um, thanks. Thanks for the love, and the sweet offerings. They kept me going, they really did. I'm okay, we are okay, and I'll quit griping. Promise. We went for a long, long hike yesterday, replete with logs over babbling brooks, waterfalls, and hidden treasures. Our minds and souls were refreshed. (Hearts, too.)

And did you know? You are loved.

xoxox.

tea anyone?

2011-04-10T09:54:00.000-04:00

Hello, sweets! I'm having a bit of a tough "go" of it today, and it's only 10 a.m...

In a moment of weakness on Friday afternoon, I promised Sofie that we would go to a movie and out to lunch today, just her and me. Part of me so wanted to be able to do that with her. After sleeping on it, however (and checking the bank account for a refreshing dose of reality) I realized that it just wasn't possible. We had a heartfelt chat this morning, about the difference between spending time together and spending money together. Something I dearly needed to learn, back in the day, and I still struggle with it. We've always spent time together, but I know that the time we spend is not spent the way her friends spend time with their parents, at least that we are aware of. Reading together, making cookies, trying new crafts, taking walks...that's our usual weekend. I think that is why she was so excited to do the movie and lunch thing, because that is more in keeping with what her friends are chatting about on Monday mornings at school. That, and soccer, dance and music lessons, none of which we can afford right now.

And so I told her (and myself) that life is different for each and every family, and that we must remember how lucky we are, compared to so many. There are many things we cannot do right now, and she and I don't always have to be happy about that. But it is what it is. And we have so much. So very, very much. What killed me, though, was when she said, "I never really thought we'd do it, anyway." That killed me. To think that even the hope of a silly, frivolous day was beyond her scope of hoping--I almost sobbed. All I could say was, "Maybe someday, honey." I'm always with the stupid, stupid "someday."

Ah, well. Although I'm in a stretch here where I feel a bit forsaken, I will carry on, for what else is there to do? Plus, I'm blessed with friends who keep me going, and for that I am truly grateful. (And my haircut rocks. Helps tons.)

Have a beautiful week, my lovelies. Let's all hang in, shall we?

Thanks for reading.

xoxox.

window shopping

2011-04-09T10:12:00.000-04:00

Good morning, my sweet friends! It's misty and lovely here in Virginia today and I am off to get a much needed haircut. Is there anything more difficult than finding a new hairdresser in an unfamiliar place? Maybe a few things, but not many...I actually took scissors to my hair a month or two ago just to avoid the search for a bit longer, but it's become quite clear that I need to seek professional help. And so I'm off this morning--please send me good hair vibes, won't you?

In other news, I am very much loving the work of Julia Janeway of Pumphouse Studios...I found her through the Poppytalk Handmade Eco and Spring Marketplace (lots of lovely there) and quickly hopped on over to her shop. (I'm thinking mother's day gift? For me and my mom?! Am I the only one who dreams of shopping for herself on mother's day? Please tell me no.)

The barn owl with her lovely heart-shaped face and the beautiful bear and the matroshka? Love, love, love.

Ah, well. I'm off to make the best of my two short and precious days off. Love to you all!

xoxox.

silence and laughter

2011-04-03T17:19:00.001-04:00

When we moved to rural Virgina from suburban San Diego, I had certain hopes for my girls. A very important one was that they be able to experience the out-of-doors in a much more engaged fashion. I pictured fresh air, silence, new textures, laughter, the smell of trees, new discoveries, surprising twists, and above all, fun.

Well, we got it. In spades.

I only wish I could have given it to them sooner. Our previous brushes with nature were limited to trips to the beach (lovely, but limiting) and visits to the park. Not bad, and I'm certainly not complaining. But I'd have moved sooner, if I had known. While we had some killer shopping experiences, finding a wide-open space in California was not easy--in fact, nearly impossible. Truly sad, no?

Anyway, I hope you are enjoying your spring or fall, where ever you may be. May the blossoms and leaves fall upon you like kisses from your loved ones, my dears.

xoxox.

practicing compassion :: goodness all the way around

2011-03-30T17:52:00.000-04:00

Hi, sweeties. I thought I'd just check in. After my last post, I had a wonderful exchange with my dear, dear friend. She said that if she were in my position, she might possibly be crazy-mad at her husband (in particular), wishing he could (thinking he should) just "fix" everything somehow. I replied how very, very easy it is to want someone to blame when things in our worlds go awry, but that I just can't blame my husband for any of this. Mistakes were made, by both of us, and we are doing the very best that we can to fix them. Also, there's the little fact of simple bad luck, which undoubtedly plays a not-so-small part. I really think that the more difficult, yet undoubtedly more fulfilling path, is to practice compassion, although I couldn't find the words to say it at the time.

Then today I received my periodic email link to Greater Good, and: lo and behold! This is the exact topic of conversation over there. If you are interested, read this, and also (especially) this --including the comments, and let me know what you think. (I find it incredibly wise. I might even order Brene Browne's book--it looks fantastic.)

***

Anyhoo. Anyone know what my new little thrifted dish says? Google says "Happiness given is happiness received." Yes? No? I wonder.

Have a beautiful evening...really.

xoxox.

***Update: Sweet Tanja from Switzerland translated it for me like this: "Those who spread happiness will receive happiness." I love it! Thank you so much, Tanja! xo.

promises, promises

2011-03-28T20:19:00.000-04:00

Hello, my sweets! All continues as before; that is to say, lovely. Yoshi grows inches each day, and it is very difficult to get a good photo of her because she is always sleeping or "hunting." Busy, busy girl.

It seems a funny thing to say, but I'm struck by how, if we never moved, we wouldn't have her. "Funny," in that a little cat is not a huge deal, but she is a symbol of sorts, to me. Of what we have reached for and attempted and loved that we never would have been able to do, otherwise. I shake my head often, because moving across the country is something that we fought tooth-and-nail, before committing to it. (Once we realized we had to sell the house in California, we knew we would move far away, however. It just seemed easier emotionally that way. But before accepting the fact that a sale was the only way forward, we did everything within our power to keep our home there.) And now we are here, in this new world, and it is so good.

We have tried a whole new life, and it is better in almost every single way than our old one. And I guarantee that a kitten would never, ever have crossed my threshold in our old life. I just wouldn't have done it. I wasn't ready or willing to move to the new.

Still, for all that is so good, there is that one issue (read: financial) that is always lurking in the wings. And it has to, and it will, until it is resolved. There is the life of the spirit, where it will "all work out," and then there is the day to day--the car repairs, the orthodontia needed, the rent due ever-so-soon, the fear of illness as a doctor's visit is nearly impossible. And I struggle, as almost everyone I know does, to reconcile the two. How to look at your daughters and wonder what they will have to do to pay for college, how to walk away from the cart of groceries that are bagged and ready when your card is declined, how to drive by the police officer and pray that he doesn't pull you over for the expired car registration that you simply can't afford to renew, and hold to your faith? I don't know. These are minor problems compared to some, but they are my day to day, and it wears on me, two years in.

But I do know that we have this little spirit in our home now, and she is like a promise to me, in my mind. She is the real-life, real-time proof that if I stretch and reach, and if I swallow my fears, love and peace will come. Silly? Perhaps. But we find our strength in all kinds of places. We just never know.

Anyway, life proceeds, spring is so close, and we hold on. What is the alternative? It doesn't signify, my dears. Not at all.

***

Linky bits that I loved this week:

:: a spectacularly passionate defense of the value of an awesome teacher. Made me get myself out the door this morning, when I *really* didn't want to.

:: spring bunnies from Shannah. Puts me in mind of all the forsythia in these parts, and that's just a lovely thing.

:: another lovely product from another sweet Shanna: a Mother Teresa quote to aid Japan.

:: this painting would be the title of this post, if I could figure out how to do that...it's gorgeous.

:: this is awesome.

:: Holly's blog is one of my all-time loves, and no surprise that her new tumblr is rockin' too. Check it here.

That's all I've got at the mo. Have a great week, peeps. Thanks for checking in.

xoxox.

emotional growth

2011-03-20T13:01:00.001-04:00

Hello, dearies! Oh, it's lovely to see you...I've not got much on my mind (you'll see why in a moment), so I thought I'd just share some stuff I've been working on or noticing...
My "new" vintage aprons make me very happy. The vintage selection in Virginia is oh-so-much better than in California--one of the many reasons I love it here.A bit of nature showing signs of weathering from the winter (aren't we all?).

Another type-tray...I don't know why I find these so fun, but I do. I think it's 'cause I love tiny things? Plus, since there is a place to put the tiny stuff I love, I don't have to toss them like I'm supposed to. Yay.

Pussy willows! From my own yard!

The suggestion of a headboard over our bed...decal from Shanna Murray.

New vintage embroidery--the colors in it make me smile--kind of a hint of the old house, I guess. And for the price, that's a very good thing.

And this. A project I've been envisioning for a while, still not complete. I love this print, and would have purchased it back in the day, but I'm not that gal anymore. Then I saw this, from the amazingly talented Abbey, and thought of some old natural blocks my kids don't use anymore (kinda like these) and I couldn't bear to give away. A simple paint-pen, and there you have it.

They just need a good coating of lemon oil, and on the wall they go! Nearly free, which rocks.

And here is the big news, and the emotional growth I referenced in the post title: we got a kitten! She was purchased from a shelter here in Roanoke, and I love her. Her name is Yoshi, which is "lucky" in Japanese, and she has us all (my husband in particular--the word he uses is "inseparable") wrapped around her cute little paws. See?:

I mean, really.

Okay, I'm done. I promise not to do this too often. But life is good.

Thanks for reading!

xoxox.

reaching

2011-03-13T09:41:00.000-04:00

Hello, my dears!

Signs of spring are springing!...Color in the landscape (bits of green) and buds peeking out, shyly. Amazing. I've never been witness to a real spring before (California lass, born and bred) and this is truly magical. And it's only just begun!

No doubt inspired by the changing seasons, I thought this week a lot about--how to say it?--growth? Rebirth? Never-giving-up-ness?

Being on the other side of forty myself (just barely, but there you go), I find I often entertain thoughts of doing something, trying something, or being something new, and then wanting to push it away, as if it is somehow "too late." I have to catch myself at that all the time. For one thing, forty ain't that bad. Yes, some stretches in the morning are necessary for shoe-tying, and I have to watch my diet a lot closer than I'd like, but on the whole, I'm still pretty vital, I think. (My daughter fears that I will break into dance in public as I am wont to do in the privacy of our kitchen, but I only let her think that for leverage, really. I would no sooner dance in public than bungee jump off the nearest suspension bridge.)

Still, though, I have to give myself a push, to consider further education, to take up gardening, to even try a new author, sometimes. It's crazy, really, no? I remember reading oh, so long ago, a quote by Ann Landers (or Dear Abby or one of those prim siblings) that you might as well, at the ripe age of 50, say, go to college. Why ever not?! You are going to be four years older sometime, right? You may as well have a degree! (They said it better, but you get the point, I think.)

And it's true. We can wish we had done it all sooner, tried it and mastered it by now. But really, if you aren't trying, you may as well just give up. The trying is what invigorates us. Look at any toddler or teenager (they are very much the same, I think) mastering his new world--the unadulterated joy it brings--and tell yourself that it isn't why we are here. To learn, to challenge ourselves and each other, to grow and love in new ways, always.

Our family, it must be admitted, has had a whole bunch of "new" this year. If I really wished, I could probably be excused from trying fresh paths, at least for a bit. But I'm not, and they are not. It's just not in us to sit and watch...it feels sad, to me, to not be reaching to be stronger, kinder, more aware. It just does.

So this year, starting with the spring, I'm going to reach for the following, and I hope to chart bits of my progress here:

:: to continue to learn how to teach my girls to be the strongest, most compassionate, most clearly loved young women I've ever met. I frequently find myself seeing things I wish I had learned earlier, to pass on to them, wishing I had taught them more, sooner. But it's not even remotely too late, I know. They need me now more than ever.

:: to plant some seeds and watch them grow. A small garden plot lies just across our gravel path, and I've big plans. I don't expect most of them to work, not this year anyway. But it will be a learning process, and I cannot wait.

:: to cook more, to bake more, to appreciate the process of creating in the kitchen, and to enjoy it more with my children and family. To challenge myself to see the preparation of food as an expression of love, rather than a chore.

:: to absorb all that I can about Montessori education, because I truly feel that this is the tiny way I am called to be of service in this hurting world. We all have a path, and I'm certain this is mine.

:: to continue to challenge myself to be fulfilled by the spiritual and heartfelt exclusively, and through material possessions and outside accolades hardly at all. It is a daily struggle to not want unceasingly (possessions, praise, ease), but I think, perhaps, the upper hand is mine at last.

:: to not be afraid to read male authors. I have avoided them for 25 years, and I've realized that I'm missing out. Girls rock, but boys have lots to say, too.

:: to move more, to breathe the fresh air, and to savor the feeling of the sweet earth passing beneath my feet. After a long winter of just f***ing trying to stay warm, I can't wait to feel the sun on my skin and my muscles aching from good, honest use...Let's get crackin'!

If you care to, I'd love to hear what's on your list for the changing of the seasons, where ever you may be. Whatever your age, your circumstances, your gifts--keep reaching, won't you?

Have a beautiful week, sweets! Thanks for reading.

xoxox.

what we have

2011-03-06T09:29:00.000-05:00

Good morning, my friends! A rainy Sunday, drops pitter-pattering, bran muffins in the oven, girls reading in bed. Life is good.

Some might say it's crazy that I say that. After all, my husband is still looking for work, I fail to make a living wage ('though, a true blessing: I love my job). No insurance, cars on borrowed time, maintenance-wise; baby-needs-a-new-pair-of-shoes, yada yada yada. Times are truly tight--still--and for the foreseeable future.

And yet. I finished a book this morning (this one, quite lovely) and one of the characters says, with great wisdom: "We make a life out of what we have, not what we are missing." So it is that daily I remind myself of all that we hold dear and love...each other, of course; this startling, scary, beautiful world; and always, that feathery hope.

I've not blogged for many days now, and during that time I've spent pleasant hours reading other blogs instead. There wasn't much going on here (at least to look at!) and I'm not crafting or doing bloggy stuff with my kids anymore. And, my stars--there are so many blogs! And so many beautiful pictures! It's truly an abundance of riches out there in blogland, my dears, is it not? Such incredible ideas and beautiful styling and adorable crafts and activities--really, really smart ones, totally worth visiting and trying! It all makes me tired just to think of competing, and so I didn't.

What I have to share now is just me, and my journey. And although I hoped and even believed that we had come out of our particular storm to some sort of haven, that was not the case. Not because there is no haven--no, not at all. But because the haven is us, and we had it all along. Our ruby slippers, if you will. So I continue to deepen and challenge my faith, and advance and withdraw within the safety of my friendships (which carry me through each and every day, 'though I remain woefully out of touch). I continue to notice the small things, and I find that it comes so naturally now that I no longer need to photograph them or journal them in tidy little booklets of gratitude--they are just there, and a part of me. And I am so present in them, that to capture them by camera or pen for later would be to detract from its happening, right here and now. That feels good, like I'm getting something at last.

The progress comes in tiny little waves, and then retreats, but never as far as the place it started from. My life is not a recipe, a list to follow with guidelines and instructions that ensure a happy result. It's more like a child's imaginative playing, growing and developing with each and every movement and word whispered, a tiny world all it's own. A child cannot know where the game will lead--he hasn't thought that far ahead, nor would he want to, even if he could. That's not creative or fun, or even true. Show me someone who knows what's in store for them, and I'll show you someone who is shooting for a target that is simply not there.

Anyway, the rain is stopping and the girls are crawling from their beds, warm and sleepy and hungry. Hugs will be given and received, and the day will hold beautiful surprises aplenty. May yours be likewise.

Thanks for stopping by!

xoxox.

***

(oh! stunning paper ring and photo by the incomparable elsita)

where we are

2011-02-21T17:55:00.000-05:00

Hello! Did your week start smoothly? I do hope so...

Sweet shots from the 'hood:

Another trip to the tea tavern, this time with my sweet mama and both girls. We bought the teapot you see below on our new tablecloth (more are in the mail)! :

It's a tiny black and white gingham print, and it looks lovely. It's my new favorite place in the house.

It says "EAT" on one side of the table, and this on the other: "yes, eat it" and "drink too..." (I'm so bossy.)

The heart o' spools has found a home.

More cold-weather gear than we are used to!

The type tray is filling in! I'm enjoying having a color scheme for it.

I found this kokeshi pair and decided they look like my husband and me. They have apple-heads. I wonder why?!

It's all good. Virginia is the place for us. Everything is not perfect, of course, but it feels right. It's where we are, and where we should be. I don't miss California at all.

Take care, sweet dears, and thanks for visiting!

xoxox.

wpa

2011-02-21T05:59:00.001-05:00

Good morning! What do you think of these wonderful WPA posters I stumbled upon last night? I love them...

So much more to see, and available as reprints in several sizes, very affordably. Yay!

Which is your favorite? (This one is mine!)

Rock your Monday, sweets!

xoxox.

choosing

2011-02-20T08:51:00.000-05:00

This incredibly lovely and cool home in Dallas is exactly what I'm in love with now. It's the home of Emily McCall, found via Etsy's Get the Look column, and I'm finding lots to be inspired by. Check Emily's flickr for lots more photos to die over.

Instead of crying, I choose to be inspired and happy. There.

xoxox.

such beauty

2011-02-20T08:06:00.000-05:00

Good morning, my dears!

What could be better on this fine Sunday than a little sunny inspiration of the granny square sort? And these are no common grannys, let me tell you...From the talented hands of Adaiha, who is completing a different pattern of square each day for one whole year (see her blog for pattern credits and where to find them)!

Here are the first 50:

I love them beyond all reason, and I'm so grateful to this wonderful artist for sharing them. (I wish I could get a print of the squares in a mosaic like this, don't you?! Poster-sized! )

Each one is such a tiny work of art, beautifully photographed. And better yet, go to Adaiha's flicker or blog to see each square closer--and marvel at the beauty! I just can't get over them...And there is much, much more to see at her blog, from this simple and adorable pdf pattern for crochet bows (with step-by-step photos!) to how-to's for an amazing and extremely-complicate-looking trivet, which she makes look very easy. Take your time and explore...

Yay for people who create lovely things!

xoxox.

weekend links

2011-02-19T10:05:00.000-05:00

Hello, sweets. A quiet sunny day, with lots of reading and resting ahead. Plus, I made a great haul at the thrift the other day of new clothes, and I'm going to get them all fresh and ready for wearing. Nothing like supplementing your entire winter wears for under twenty bucks!

I have been enjoying these links this morning, and I thought you might, too. Here you go!

~yet another wonderful freebie from Kellie at 74 Lime Lane. She rocks.

~check these super-cute valentines made by Holly. (I just want the beads.) She always had such great stuff for boys, which is mighty rare in the blogosphere.

~take this quiz from Greater Good on reading people. I failed miserably.

~this incredibly lovely tumblr with all kinds of things I love from Ariana. (Her blog is so beautiful, too!)

~(sigh.) Everything Ingrid does.

Well, I was shooting for 10 links, but this is taking forever! My girls are missing me. I've got to go. But have a wonderful, wonderful weekend, okay?

xoxox.

you only went out to get drunk last night

2011-02-18T06:48:00.000-05:00

Hey, all! Happy Friday!

My husband found this video via the Scottish music blog Song, By Toad, and he knew I'd love it. It combines my absolute love of Scottish music (Kid Canaveral, You Only Went Out to Get Drunk Last Night) with my belief in the secret life of inanimate objects. I think you will love it, too, I really do!:

I almost never click on videos when they are in someone else's blog. I might have to start.

Have a super day, sweets!

xoxox.

what you've been waiting for

2011-02-16T18:21:00.000-05:00

Hey, there, friends!

Sorry to keep you waiting--if you were waiting--so very long for my tips for bathroom storage. I was struck with a fear that my tips would be dumb, but I decided to spice the post up with some ideas found round the web.

First, let me tell you, I know what it is to live in a small bathroom. All four of us share one tiny space, and in the a.m., it's a true exercise in patience. And to top it all off, our shower reminds me of a vertical coffin that's wet...I'm not joking. If one is unfortunate enough to drop one's soap, one must be in good enough shape to do early morning squats, because there is no room to bend over. Don't even ask about leg-shaving (not that you probably would)...

But...here's what I found:

Actually, I didn't find this. It was sent to me by my dear friend Sandra, and it really rocks. I love the look of the ladder, and what an awesome way to hang guest towels, no? (Also, check the towels rolled in the baskets on the shelf. Very cool.)

***Found out from Ingrid that it is her bathroom! I should have known, really. She is an inspired person in every way. I hope you are following her beautiful blog! If not, why not check it out? You will be delighted, I promise...:o) Thanks, Ingrid, for letting me know!

This one above, from HGTV, I only like because of the basket under the sink for holding towels (the rest of it is way too posh for me). But never, ever pass up a basket at the thrift store. Here, again, is my use of a 1940s Dutch market basket that I bought a couple of years ago from Great Stuff by Paul:

And this one, from Better Homes and Gardens website, is show-casing my other favorite cheap storage solution, which I employ whenever possible, no matter the room: hooks or pegs...

In our bathroom, there are no towel racks (or places to put them) so we have over the door hooks like this for all of our towels, and they are easy for big and small to access.

Okay, now for the real deal, our little bitty spot. It has no storage whatsoever, except for the under the sink cabinet shown here:

Rather pathetic, for four people (three of them girls!). What was this mama to do? Well, it just so happened that we had brought along from California (I've no idea how they passed muster when so much else did not) some old Ikea bookshelves that I never really understood--they are short and squatty, with very small shelves:

But, as there is a slanted wall right above the candles there, they are perfect. I found some red (!) dish tubs at Walmart and they fit perfectly. Each member of the family has their own tub for toothbrush, toothpaste, comb, etc. and we can just pull out our tub, set it on top of the middle bookshelf there, and get to grooming. The extra two tubs hold overflow (hair dryers, flat-irons and so on) because, as I said, three girls, one bathroom. At the other end of the shelves there is my little Dutch basket, and for some reason, it makes me very happy. (Oh! And here is another version of the same idea, albeit much more expensive and custom-built.)

Things are still sparsely decorated since the Big Move. But, there you have it! Easy-peasy storage, cheapity-cheap, if you do it right.

Thanks again for all of the wonderful ideas for my little eating nook (and deer!). I loved them all. I'm in a quandary as to which idea to pick, so I'm thinking of going seasonal: butter yellow for summer, black and white checks for winter, etc. Or maybe that's just an excuse to buy one of each? Perhaps, but I'm not hurting anybody, right? Right.

Catch you later, sweets! Rock the rest of your week, okay?

xoxox.

help me, rhonda

2011-02-13T10:18:00.001-05:00

Hello, my dears! How goes your weekend? There's still time to switch it up, if you need to. I'm liking how mine is looking, so I'm going with it.

I was reading the latest issue of Country Living magazine (March 2011) yesterday, and it had a couple of things I wanted to run by you. First up is this picture from the issue, which confirms, if ever it was in doubt, that I am indeed on the cutting edge of country cool. (Thank heavens.):

A nice little breakfasty-nook with two red chairs. Wait a minute...Hey! I did that, too!:

Now, because it's real-life with real-life lighting and next-to-crappy camera, it doesn't look as fresh, I know. But here's my question: What color table cloth? It needs more color, and I am working with such a limited palette here that I'm flummoxed. I would go with a nice, safe, cheery red, but that's too much red. In-put? Please?

Next, on the very same page of the magazine (fate!) was a bit about this new book I'm going to try to get my hands on pronto--Creative Walls by Geraldine James. Looks like good cheap fun. And check this out!

It's a picture of a picture of a picture at this point, but I'm sure you can tell that it's a deer head made out of photos--just flat on the wall. I love it because it's unexpected, and I really love it because one of the weirdest adjustments to Virginia has been the hunters and their absolute glee when killing harmless animals. Even the little kids do it (bears, deer, etc.) and get their picture in the paper. I hate it. So, this would be kind of a comment on that? Maybe? Anyway, I don't want to use real photos. What would you use? I was thinking black and white copies of photos? Or even pieces of newspaper (they'd get a nice patina) or old book pages? And how big?

Any thoughts you've got would be much appreciated. Not that this is big stuff or anything, but it's always nice to have a little project going on, I've learned. It doesn't really even have to amount to much, it's just the having of it, you know? I know that you do.

Oooh, and coming up tomorrow, if you can wait that long! Storage solutions for my tiny bathroom. (I'm such a tease.)

Later, 'gators.

xoxox.

did you know?

2011-02-12T17:07:00.001-05:00

AnnaLela makes some very cute stuff from felt, in her own very sweet way. Go see!

xoxox.

hitting the thrift pronto...

2011-02-12T08:35:00.000-05:00

...all in an effort to re-create this beautiful scarf-display from the always stylish and lovely Lilian Day (see a home tour of her previous, but still very covet-worthy home on my old blog here). I don't have any pretty scarves like this, and suddenly I am in great need of some.

A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

Have a beautiful Saturday, okay?

xoxox.

going barefoot

2011-02-11T16:53:00.000-05:00

Hello, friends! Happy Friday...

Much like all of you, I'm sure, I'm always on the lookout for several things: one, companies and products that enrich the world, it's people, and our understanding of each other; two, bright and fun and colorful good and products; and three: ways to bring in just a touch more cash to put dinner on the table. It's not often that you find all three in one she-bang, but I think I have and I'm very excited!

It's a company you may have heard of--I've been a customer of theirs for years and years. Barefoot Books is a publisher out of England that encourages new artists and encourages childrens' imaginations and senses of wonder, while instilling a deep respect for our planet and the people we share it with. I love what they do, what they dream of, and who they are.

The above book cover is a new title from them, written by Carol Ann Duffy and illustrated with the incredible papercuts of the amazingly talented Rob Ryan. It is beautiful and inspiring, and I know that you would love it. (See an interview with him here!)

My latest favorite, however, is this one:

It's by Anna McQuinn and illustrated by the great Sophie Fatus, who is a huge favorite in our home. Based on the familiar song, it takes children through the whole silly length of it, sprinkled with illustrations of children around the world. It ends with "If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, shout hello!" and teaches children how to say hello in dozens of different ways. It's truly charming and you you'll be humming the song all day. I can't wait to share it with the kids at school--I think they'll love it.Anyhoo, if you click the thumbnail to the right, you can go straight to my little shop at Barefoot to see my latest recommendations, and from there head right on into the whole site. If you enter through my store, I will indeed get a tiny commission, which would be really, really lovely. (A total win-win, I hope.)***
In other news, I've been doing some research on George Washington Carver for a lesson at work that I hope to be able to give to the children. Unfortunately, I made it through some 40 years without ever learning about him, and now that's fixed, to some degree--thank heavens! Here is just one of the many wonderful things he said:

"Anything will give up it's secrets if you love it enough. Not only have I found that when I talk to the little flower or to the little peanut they will give up their secrets, but I have found that when I silently commune with people they give up their secrets also--if you love them enough."

And I love that.

Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful weekend, okay?

xoxox.

picking

2011-02-10T16:52:00.001-05:00

Hello, all!

I just really like this picture, so I'm sharing it. The painting is of my mom as a little girl. The baby cups are mine, my brother's and my mother's--they are tarnished and I shall keep them that way. The box is old and from Austria and that's all I know about it.

I was just over at flickr checking out the way my house used to look. It was a little like picking at a scab. Wow. A huge change, and it made me sad, just a bit. I don't think I'll be looking at it again for a while. But it's all good. I'm fine!

That's it. Have a good one!

xoxox.

year of the rabbit

2011-02-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

Hello, sweet friends! I am so, so happy to see you. It's been a bit slow in these parts, I know. I've been busy, busy, busy learning my new love (Montessori, kids, learning, teaching, growing, etc.) and getting over a killer flu and it's attendant generalized yuck.

But, hey! Have you heard? It's the Year of the Rabbit! I'm so excited about this, for a few reasons. First of all, it's not the year of the rat, which was pretty gross. Second, I like rabbits.

Ever since I saw the rabbits over at das kaninchen, I've had them on my mind. Shannah described her rabbits, and all rabbits, like this: "For me [they] always recall intuition, regeneration, and redemption. Because the rabbit burrows underground and is most active during twilight hours it has been given a shaman like role... a metaphor for a traveling spirit from this world to the next." Isn't that so cool?!

So, it's the year of the rabbit, and that means regeneration, redemption, and...what? I realized that recently I had put this copy of The Velveteen Rabbit on my bedside table, where I only put my most favorite things. I had hardly noticed that I had done it, and while I was home sick, coughing as if to lose a lung, I picked it up and read it...Rabbit! Yes, yes! And what else?

The aspect of being Real.

The velveteen rabbit longs to be real, like the skin horse, and especially like the rabbits he meets out in the woods when he is left there by the Boy one summer evening. He has just learned from the skin horse what it means to be real, and this passage made me cry:

"You become. It doesn't happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

Oh me, oh my. I do believe I'm Real. I can honestly say that I don't break easily, or have sharp edges, and I certainly don't need to be carefully kept. And there are two girls in this house who would gladly tell you that they REALLY love me, if you asked.

Does this mean I'm done seeking and working and trying? Not by a long shot. There are roads to travel, lessons to learn, new ways and directions to grow in, and more and more people to love. That's the wonderful thing--just as the skin horse says that you can't become unreal again, ("It lasts for always") you can't ever finish becoming more Real. Even the velveteen rabbit goes from being a Real toy to a real rabbit. It's all part of the plan.

I love it when stuff lines up all neat and tidy like this for me every now and then. I'm just going to enjoy it for a while. And enjoy the path and all my friends along the way.

Happy Year of the Rabbit, my dears! May it be a lovely one for us all.

xoxox.

joyful learning

2011-02-06T17:04:00.000-05:00

My journey continues...

I've been lucky enough to find a position with a perfect little Montessori school here in Virginia. And I love it. Absolutely love it--everything from the sandpaper letters to the rabbit in a hutch out in the garden. I feel like I'm home. I'm learning so much, about myself and the children and learning itself. It's just wonderful! Hard, but joyful work, with hugs galore.

Bliss.

If you are not familiar with the Montessori method of teaching, which is based upon the work and observations of Maria Montessori, this is a great place to start. But really, she had me at: "Of all things, love is the most potent." (Hook, line and sinker.)

Hope your week is filled with love and joy, my dears. In small ways, and big! Thank you for visiting and reading and sharing. Back soon.

xoxox.

sweets for the sweet

2011-02-05T17:18:00.000-05:00

Hello, all!

I am totally in love with these handmade spun-cotton ornaments from Old World Primitives. The bunnies are making me very happy, and the little boy stole my heart. I would leave them out all the time, not just for holidays...

They are made by New Jersey-based artist Stephanie Baker, whose flickr, blog and shop are well-worth frequent visits.

Enjoy!

xoxox.

a poem by Olivia, age 12 1/2

2011-01-31T15:06:00.000-05:00

Someday

Doesn't it seem like Someday
Is a very important day?
I'll do this
And we'll do that
Everything will be okay.
Your dreams come true
And mine do, too--
Bad habits fade away.

I probably won't still be here, alas
When Someday comes to pass.
But if you're still here
Please humor me, dear
And send a letter
from wherever you are?

I bet things will come to be
On Someday, that I'll never see
But I can imagine
The things that will happen
During the Someday Jubilee:

Grandma would get to see London
Mom would exercise
I would follow my dream
And learn to sing
And Dad would get a job.

But singing's not an option
For I will be long dead
But I can wonder, now
Ideas will fill my head
Of what will happen on Someday
It will be great, I bet.

So Someday's something I won't see
But if you happen to stop by
Won't you buy a cheesy postcard
For a dreamer such as me?

***
(That girl's got my number, I see.)

We went and had tea together, just the two of us, on Saturday. We found a lovely little tea tavern which resides in a circa 1787 house--too perfect:

She has me thinking: what about someday? I know I say that a lot: "someday we'll do that!"...and the unspoken last few words: "...I hope." But Lord knows, I'm realizing that I don't know what's best, so I leave it to the stars to decide what will be and what will not.

And of course, part and parcel of the experience of turning 40 is realizing, along with all that you've done, all that you will never do. But that's okay, because I'm here to tell you that life has a few tricks up her sleeve, and she will lead you to places you never thought you'd be--really, really wonderful places. And I'm so grateful for that...Who was it who said, "We must let go of the life we planned so as to accept the one that's waiting for us."? Joseph Campbell, I think. I finally understand that, now.

So here's to Someday, my dears: and all that it could be!

***

I'm starting a new and wonderful job tomorrow that I'm very excited about. Blogging will be slow, I would imagine, but I know you don't mind. I'll be back soon, though, to tell you all about it.

xoxox!