Hello, all. Thinking some melancholy thoughts this evening, even in the wake of all the goodness of late. I took some time to go over my old pictures on flickr this afternoon. Mistake? I'm not sure yet.
It had been a while, if only because my pro account expired long ago, and I couldn't renew it due to lack of funds. I renewed it anyway a few days ago, even though I still don't have the funds to justify it. There's just so much history there.
But now, when I look at those photos of our home in San Diego, it truly feels like I'm looking at someone from a different life. Even my kids don't seem like the same kids. In good ways, mostly. But what I miss for them is the innocence. The assurance that everything will always be fine. Because it won't always be fine. But it will. But not always. Do you get it?
I am thankful beyond measure for where we are. And yes, even though our lives are not literally as colorful as before, we have a depth and a richness that we have gained through tears and sleepless nights. Yet? I'm not going to sugar-coat it: I get really, really tired of this tiny house, with five lives trying to grow and relate in such a small space. Sometimes I feel I'm going to lose it--there's no room for ME. But then, my whole former life was all about me, so...I guess it's fair.
And I don't like being poor. We're, thankfully, the "working poor" now, but we're still poor. I don't like not having the money to do small things. I don't like not being able to relax for a while, financially, and do something a tiny bit frivolous. I don't like not being able to buy new shoes just when we need them, or having to worry if we can go to the doctor or not when we're sick. I don't like it.
Would I go back? No. But not because I wouldn't want to be in that place again--I would. I just would want to do it knowing what I know now. So that I wouldn't waste it, like I feel I did. But the reality, as we all know, is that back is not an option, and so forward we go. I am here, with new friends and new work and children who have faced the reality of losing almost everything. They'll be better for that, I know. But that doesn't mean I would put them through it again.
Regrets? I have them. Sadness? That, too. I've changed so much, everything has changed. And, in the face of that, I no longer really know what to blog about. So, I'm going to take a break, who knows how long, and figure it out. But more than anything in this post, I wanted to thank you for reading all these long months, as others faded away when the color did. You all stayed, and I'm so grateful.
Anyway. Blessings to you all, each and every one. Catch you round the bend, okay?
xoxox.
