Hello, sweet friends...
I thank you so much for your comments on my last several posts. I really appreciate them, and they have provided me with lots and lots to think about, which always makes me happy!
After my last post, I've been musing on where to go next, both personally and in regards to the blog. The conclusion I came to was that I would just take things as they came, knowing that guidance would come, as it always does. My husband is doing some reading on Buddhist thought and I'm enjoying mulling some of that over--particularly the part about being satisfied with what we have and not ever and always grasping for more. I can honestly say that one of the unforeseen benefits of having very little money is that it takes away the option to always upgrade, do more, buy more and have more. It's just not an option, and realizing the impermanence of things as we have in the past two years has been both painful and liberating.
But then! Today I found this incredibly timely
article on self-compassion by social scientist Kristin Neff and it
all came together for me in one of those beautiful and rare moments of clarity. I've been struggling with devastating feelings of lack of self-worth lately, and truth be told, it's a struggle I've had my whole life. (Which is probably why I tried to fill all kinds of emotional holes with stuff, but that's a story that I've shared already. If you care to, you can check
my old blog [there's some fun there, too!] to read the nitty-gritty.) Anyway, Ms. Neff really made such sense to me when she discussed the value of self-compassion to combat these feelings. And I realized that
that is what I've been trying to get at: the need to "stop judging and evaluating" myself--completely! Can that be? Can we really do that? She says
yes.
I beg of you to
read the article yourself--I really believe you will find much of value there...but I do want to share Neff's three ways to begin to practice self-compassion, because I actually think they relate to this blog a little bit, believe it or not. First, she says to practice
self-kindness, "being gentle and understanding with ourselves"--as though we were talking to a friend, or even a stranger. (I know that I have said vile things to myself inside my own head that I wouldn't utter to anyone else, ever. You?)
Second, and here's where I sat up a little straighter, "recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering." That is what this blog tends to do for me, and exactly why I keep doing it! It certainly didn't start that way, but I have found that by being honest about our family's struggles and how they have changed (and continue to change) us has opened up new dialogues and even created bridges to true friendships that have brought me great comfort. And if I could provide even the tiniest bit of comfort to someone else, and make them feel less alone? Then every bit is worth it a thousand times more.
And third, "it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it." By writing about my pain, I am able to force myself to also see the good, and in return, goodness comes to me again through your comments and responses. And even if there are no comments or responses, I know that I have forced myself to be as honest as I can be at that moment. I don't know why this is easier and more productive for me to do publicly, but I think it's because I really care about those who read and comment, and I feel I have a different perspective to offer, one that, in my opinion, isn't spoken of enough. (But what blogger doesn't feel that way? That's nothing new, right?!)
So. Whew.
But hey! Can we explore this? Can we talk about why crafters and designers are so competitive on their blogs and why some people thrift just for the sake of getting stuff to show online? And why crafting is, as wise commenter Rachelle said on my last post, often "no longer done for practical reasons alone but for status in blogland." And why in years past, when I've gotten the perfect grade or someone has complemented me on my outfit or home it has made me happy for all of three seconds (and cost me untold amounts of money, time, and energy)? What is it that drives us all to be perfect--home, body, children, life? When does relentless goal-setting become nothing more than self-torture? When can we say that there is no perfect and that "rather than pitting ourselves against other people in an endless comparison game, we embrace what we share with others and feel more connected and whole in the process" (Neff again!)? When can we start looking for lasting peace and not the next opportunity to one-up each other? When can we finally say, and mean it, enough?
When, indeed?
Well, I'm starting now. And this is the place I will chart my progress, my setbacks, and my tiny victories. And, at the risk of over-quoting, I have to cite the last paragraph of Neff's article, because it was just too good to be true. After my last post where I compared the last little while to coming to shore after being in a storm at sea (I'm not usually very good at metaphors, but I was rather proud of this), Neff has this to say about my new goal, self-compassion: [it does nothing less than] provide an island of calm, a refuge from the stormy seas of endless positive and negative self-judgment, so that we can finally stop asking, “Am I as good as they are? Am I good enough?” By tapping into our inner wellsprings of kindness, acknowledging the shared nature of our imperfect human condition, we can start to feel more secure, accepted, and alive." (Italics mine.)
A message in a bottle, for me alone? (There I go again!) Certainly not. But I'm not ignoring it, either.
Thank you so much for reading, my dears. If you'd like to share your thoughts as I seek for buried treasure (ugh), I'd love to hear from you!
A thousand blessings to you and yours.
xoxox.
