stuff, part two

image via

'Kay. Here goes...I'd like to try to explain my last post a bit, if you don't mind? In some ways, I probably wasn't clear, and I'd like to know what you think...

I have no objection whatsoever to owning things. I love my things, and I'm sure you do, too. I would not want to live in a home where things were not lovingly shared and curated, creating an atmosphere of comfort and love. The memories and experiences contained in personal items is irreplaceable, and I would never, ever wish to forgo the possession of such.

What I do object to is gratuitous acquisition: the purchasing of things just to purchase them when they perhaps have no emotional or other value to the owner. Does this really happen? Yes, and I've done it. So I feel that I have a particularly valid stance from which to speak.

Do I collect things? Yes. At the moment, I have a collection of vintage aprons on display in my kitchen, and I have started a small collection of vintage thermoses. All of the aprons and thermoses were very fun to find, but really bring me no joy in and of themselves, and I wonder if it was even wise to purchase them. The aprons make me happy when I see them because of their bright colors. The thermoses look cozy. But if they were to disappear tomorrow, I would probably not really even care. So can I say they were a wise purchase? No, I don't think so. Fortunately, they were all found for pennies on the dollar, and I'm not out much money. Will I continue to add to my thermos collection? I think not, and I thank Kate for that--her comment on my last post pointed out some very real hypocrisy in my thinking.

It's not just collecting, it's the focus on appearances that I find unnerving. But that's what an interiors blog is about, right? I guess what I was trying to say, without even realizing it, is that they--the interiors blogs--don't make me so happy anymore. I used to look at them for "inspiration," and really did find myself inspired by all the creating that goes on out there--admittedly really wonderful stuff. But lately, I just find that it has to have a limit, and there doesn't seem to be one in our blog world. I'm searching for honesty, in my own life and others, and the simple fact that some homeowners have such beautifully styled homes when so many have so very little (and here I am not talking about myself--I'm talking about those with no home, hungry children, and illnesses they cannot treat, right here in our own countries, not to mention other less prosperous nations)--well, I just don't enjoy focusing on that anymore.

Now, I have no way of knowing if these fortunate people, those with the fully appointed and styled homes with what I perceive as an excess of stuff donate a goodly portion of their time and money to those less fortunate than themselves. They could very well be doing so. That's not my concern. My feeling--mine, alone--is that I do not wish to ooh and ahh over the stuff anymore, nor try to copy it's style or feel. It doesn't make me happy. That's what I was trying to say. This is all part of my journey of the past year or so, and I feel better for it. These are big changes for me.

As for creating (deep breath): Creating for an outlet is vital to so many of us. But creating items that have no inherent meaning to either the creator or the consumer is wasteful. That is how I feel. I'm not going to give examples here because that wouldn't be right, but here is the thing: if something doesn't either have a function in my home, or an emotional connection for me, then I will no longer purchase it. This is huge, folks. Really huge. I am a girl who, in the past, bought a $400 rug, only to give it away a few months later because it no longer made me "happy." This is a rug I never needed in the first place. Now, of course, I am not financially able to make unnecessary (and even some necessary) purchases right now, but that's not the point--I wouldn't do it even if I could. Really. And did I learn this little lesson unwillingly? You bet--kicking and screaming. But I did learn it, and it's real.

Now, will I buy a bouquet of flowers? If and when I am once again able to afford them, yes! Do they have a function? I think so, don't you? I think beauty is important, and when it comes at such a small price, I think we would be remiss to not appreciate it. I'm not talking about eliminating all beauty, not at all. I'm talking about not buying, say, nine vintage typewriters (see last post). Or books, when I can find them at the library. Or clothes I don't need. Or knick-knacks that have no personal meaning for me. This may not be a big change for you, but is for me. That's all I'm saying.

What do you think? I'm obviously trying to understand this issue, and I would love your feedback, if you have any, even if you completely think I'm a hypocritical idiot. I need to hear that, if I am. Please let me know. :o)

Oh, happy weekending, friends! Thanks for reading.

xoxox.

the post that won't win me any...well, anything

Hello, friends. A quick warning: This post ended up being a bit...on the harsh side. I don't know, I just felt I needed to say it, and it's my blog, so I said it.

It all started quite innocently, right here:

I've been really enjoying the work and writing of Barbara at Indianablue lately. I find her earnest searching and genuine effort to create beauty very, very inspiring. I aspire to live the way she seems to live, thoughtfully and with intention. As a contrast, for a long while after our move I very consciously tried to copy the style of certain bloggers who, ultimately, didn't seem terribly friendly to me, so I quit. I just sort of wanted a change, and didn't quite know how to go about it. And I think I was craving simplicity and order and a certain oh, I don't know..."severity"? (That seemed the only way to go after leaving every single brightly colored thing we owned on the other coast.)

But, like I said, not so friendly and so I continue to search for my own new way. What I love about Barbara's style is it's total lack of self-consciousness. She doesn't decorate, she just lives. I really like that. Alot.

So many blogs are just about stuff, stuff, stuff. I'm sorry, but when I saw this photo, I just got a tiny bit sick to my stomach. You have nine vintage thrifted typewriters. I know, it's not hurting anyone, but it just rubs me the wrong way. And I used to collect lots of stuff, so I do know the joys of it, I really do! But the endless acquisition just to impress your fellow bloggers? I'm over it.

And I love a beautiful home as much as the next gal, but honestly, I could have a really incredible home if I had the money. I really think I could. So, kudos to all the folks with lots of spare change. (Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am. But I'm also finally growing up.) The more I think about it and look around, the more I realize that the blog world, at least the vast majority of our little off-shoot of it, is a fantasy. Perfectly imperfect moms, lovely vintage-y (in a repainted and re-glossed sort of way) homes, art appreciation (of the sort of art that says nothing and doesn't make you uncomfortable), and the crafting of adorable but useless items. This cannot be the real world.

Anyway. I do like Indianablue. So there's that, and that's not nothing.

Have a good one. Back to my usual self soon (whoever that is!).

xoxox.

earth day

Hello, all!

Yesterday, the children at the little school I work at celebrated Earth Day a bit early. We made these necklaces to celebrate:

They are simply made from soil (earth) and white glue. It seemed like a nice idea to use the earth to decorate and celebrate the day. (Probably the glue is not environmentally friendly, but we only used a tiny bit, and it has to be better than some cheap plastic crap from the store, right?) Anyway, you just mix the two to the consistency of clay, and then stick a paperclip in the top for a hook, let dry overnight, and paint! A messy craft (but a very fun one), inexpensive, and cute. I love it.

If the nuclear disaster in Japan (or the Gulf Coast oil spill, or any number of other tragedies) should tell us anything, it's that our worst fears of global environmental damage can certainly come true. But still, it's a world full of beauty and love, and I have no doubt that we can and will find solutions to our problems, environmentally and otherwise. That's not to say it won't take a lot of work to fix the results of the laziness of the past couple-hundred years or so...and an awful lot of sacrifice of "comfort" and ease. All for the best, though. Perhaps if we work a little harder, give up a bit more, and live in greater harmony with the plants and animals that share our world, we can find whatever it is that we all seem to be so frantically looking for. I do hope so.

Anyway, I'm game...Have a beautiful weekend, wherever you are!

xoxox.

so do it.

My bro just sent me this.  It's awesome.

I gotta go.  I've got stuff to try now.

xoxox.

cheap goods

Hello!  I've been having some luck at the thrift lately and the walls around here are looking less-bare.  Yay!

Little embroidery piece for twenty-five cents!  Lovely...I've been seeing lots of embroidery lately, and I wonder if it's just that my eye is registering it for the first time, or if there really is more of it about?

(This one is crewel, actually, and it was so kitchy and sweet, I couldn't pass it up, even with the gold frame...)

New collection started, as long as they are one dollar or less:  black and red thermoses!

Not a thrift find, but vintage:  I had this wonderful pillow-cover (made from an old feed-sack) and as a pillow it was just too big.  So I tied it to the back of this chair for a bit of color and vintage love.  Still a bare corner, but it will come together in time.

Old frames, for 10 cents each.  Waiting for paint, perhaps, or not...I like them bare.

And a super good find!  Two vintage chalkboards from the sixties, in original packaging, for under ten dollars! I hung them right outside the girls' rooms for messages and notes that they cannot ignore.  The one on the left had a shiny metal frame, so I covered it with old dominoes, and it helped a lot.  (Now when they come out of the bathroom and see "put away your laundry!" they can't claim they never saw the note.  Whoop!)

And lastly, this is my momma's bedroom door.  Sometimes she's napping, and the girls charge right in there, so I bought her this little chalkboard from the dollar bin at Michael's.  Now she writes "I'm napping!" on it when she doesn't want to have visitors.  So much friendlier than a locked door (but she has that option, too!).  Some simple frustration savers, on the cheap.  I love it when that happens.

If you would like to see more of our oh-so-simple home, you can just click on over to flickr here.  It's tiny but mighty in spirit, that is for sure.

Thanks for reading, as always.  Hope you are well!

  :o)

full disclosure

Hello, all. I'm feeling better, and there's one sure reason why: I'm back on my med. I will never, ever, under any voluntary circumstances whatsoever, attempt to go off of it again. All the days of tears and desperate hopelessness came back full-force, almost all at once. It was horrendous, most especially at work with the children, who had no way of understanding where my smiles had gone.

I've thought a lot about why I went off of it, and it occurred to me that it was, ironically, because I was doing so very well--coping with challenges, feeling strong and capable, cheerful despite the odds. So, I guess, I thought I was..."better." I thought, gee, if I'm doing so well while times are difficult, it must be that I am better than I was. Because I was never this happy or this content, and by all accounts, my life was considerably more comfortable. Thus, to my (ill-conceived) reasoning, I could go it alone, without the help of my trusty morning pill.

Not so. Turns out, I need that pill, just as much as I need my thyroid medication each and every day. But for some reason, I was ashamed of my anti-depressant, and always wanted to be free of it. And now I know--it's something I should be grateful for, not ashamed of. I thought this morning of all the men and women of the past who struggled with depression due to physical causes and never, ever were able to overcome it, sometimes with tragic results. All the people. All the sad and lonely people, trapped inside the misery of their own heads, through no fault of their own. And I am so grateful for the help.

I was off my medication for a good three weeks before it really became unbearable. And the one thought that made me resist going back on it was this: what if this sad me that I am when I'm not on medication is the REAL me, and the other one, the happy and capable and silly one, is just not real? What if it's just the medication? It took me many days of tears to realize that it didn't matter! If the real me was the one who was so crazy-sad, so sad she couldn't function, then I am sorry, but she must be left behind. Because she wouldn't last long anyway. I just couldn't make it inside that head for any length of time--I'd have to escape.

It's hard to realize this--that me unadulterated is me unable to function. But as my sweet friend Anne pointed out, depression is really no different than any other medically treatable condition. If a heart patient or a diabetic refused to take the pill that would save their lives, we would call them crazy and misinformed and maybe even stupid. And so: I take my pill.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I didn't take either decision--either to go off the medication or to go back on it--lightly. Perhaps you know someone who is on medication and this will help you understand, or perhaps you struggle with some of the same issues yourself? I don't know. Unlike most other medical issues, it's a subject that is tied up with all kinds of feeling of self-worth and self-image, so it's far from simple in any case. But I know that most people don't talk about it, and to be honest, I almost never do, and now I've spilled the beans on the Internet, for heaven's sake. But something compels me to do so, and it's nothing to do with self-promotion, that's for sure (I may have difficulty in the limelight, but I do know this is not how I would choose to be seen).

Hope this makes some sense. I'm just trying to to understand, you know? Oh, and thank you for your comments and insights. I really love and treasure them, always.

xoxox.

early morning, when i should be doing other things

Hey, there, cutie.

I was a-goin' through my blog list this morning with my coffee (a treat I don't usually allow myself, but one which seemed very necessary today) and found many lovely and hopeful things. Want to see?

This photo is from the set of seedkeeper on flickr, which I found through the wonderful morning's light. It's of a flat in London, which is so full of fun and goodness I could stare at it forever. But I really like this photo and the idea of putting a tray of photos on the table to leaf through with a cup of tea, don't you? What a wonderful idea. Do check the spot on sunny's blog and also the set on flickr. Just lovely!

As I recently chose to go off of my anti-depressant medication (something I've been on since Olivia was around 2) I've been struggling mightily. I'm not sure I can see it through, but I'm giving it a go, for financial and other reasons. (Guilt? Why do I feel guilty and weak for using this medication? I would NEVER think that of someone else, but I do of myself...Something to consider.) Anyway, this post and many others on Bikbik and Roro are helping lots. Thanks, Jan.

Speaking of valuing ourselves, check Teri's amazing answer to her children's question about her recent creation. It's awesome.

A beautiful post on mending from Susan has my mind and heart in the right place this morning. So wonderful and inspiring, with photos to treasure...

And last, but never least, love to Ingrid, who is inspiring in every single way, and now more than ever.

Off to work, now. Love to you all!

xoxox.

can i tell you something?

So,hey...um, thanks. Thanks for the love, and the sweet offerings. They kept me going, they really did. I'm okay, we are okay, and I'll quit griping. Promise. We went for a long, long hike yesterday, replete with logs over babbling brooks, waterfalls, and hidden treasures. Our minds and souls were refreshed. (Hearts, too.)

And did you know? You are loved.

xoxox.

tea anyone?

Hello, sweets! I'm having a bit of a tough "go" of it today, and it's only 10 a.m...

In a moment of weakness on Friday afternoon, I promised Sofie that we would go to a movie and out to lunch today, just her and me. Part of me so wanted to be able to do that with her. After sleeping on it, however (and checking the bank account for a refreshing dose of reality) I realized that it just wasn't possible. We had a heartfelt chat this morning, about the difference between spending time together and spending money together. Something I dearly needed to learn, back in the day, and I still struggle with it. We've always spent time together, but I know that the time we spend is not spent the way her friends spend time with their parents, at least that we are aware of. Reading together, making cookies, trying new crafts, taking walks...that's our usual weekend. I think that is why she was so excited to do the movie and lunch thing, because that is more in keeping with what her friends are chatting about on Monday mornings at school. That, and soccer, dance and music lessons, none of which we can afford right now.

And so I told her (and myself) that life is different for each and every family, and that we must remember how lucky we are, compared to so many. There are many things we cannot do right now, and she and I don't always have to be happy about that. But it is what it is. And we have so much. So very, very much. What killed me, though, was when she said, "I never really thought we'd do it, anyway." That killed me. To think that even the hope of a silly, frivolous day was beyond her scope of hoping--I almost sobbed. All I could say was, "Maybe someday, honey." I'm always with the stupid, stupid "someday."

Ah, well. Although I'm in a stretch here where I feel a bit forsaken, I will carry on, for what else is there to do? Plus, I'm blessed with friends who keep me going, and for that I am truly grateful. (And my haircut rocks. Helps tons.)

Have a beautiful week, my lovelies. Let's all hang in, shall we?

Thanks for reading.

xoxox.

window shopping

Good morning, my sweet friends! It's misty and lovely here in Virginia today and I am off to get a much needed haircut. Is there anything more difficult than finding a new hairdresser in an unfamiliar place? Maybe a few things, but not many...I actually took scissors to my hair a month or two ago just to avoid the search for a bit longer, but it's become quite clear that I need to seek professional help. And so I'm off this morning--please send me good hair vibes, won't you?

In other news, I am very much loving the work of Julia Janeway of Pumphouse Studios...I found her through the Poppytalk Handmade Eco and Spring Marketplace (lots of lovely there) and quickly hopped on over to her shop. (I'm thinking mother's day gift? For me and my mom?! Am I the only one who dreams of shopping for herself on mother's day? Please tell me no.)

The barn owl with her lovely heart-shaped face and the beautiful bear and the matroshka? Love, love, love.

Ah, well. I'm off to make the best of my two short and precious days off. Love to you all!

xoxox.

silence and laughter

When we moved to rural Virgina from suburban San Diego, I had certain hopes for my girls. A very important one was that they be able to experience the out-of-doors in a much more engaged fashion. I pictured fresh air, silence, new textures, laughter, the smell of trees, new discoveries, surprising twists, and above all, fun.

Well, we got it. In spades.

I only wish I could have given it to them sooner. Our previous brushes with nature were limited to trips to the beach (lovely, but limiting) and visits to the park. Not bad, and I'm certainly not complaining. But I'd have moved sooner, if I had known. While we had some killer shopping experiences, finding a wide-open space in California was not easy--in fact, nearly impossible. Truly sad, no?

Anyway, I hope you are enjoying your spring or fall, where ever you may be. May the blossoms and leaves fall upon you like kisses from your loved ones, my dears.

xoxox.